Where do southern viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla
Going to a fancy-dress party as a Viking...
"There's
Norway you're going out like that!"
One night, a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking
out the window when he said,
"it's going to rain."
His
wife asked him how he knew and he said:
"Because Rudolf the Red
knows rain, dear"
Where do vikings go to get their hair cut?
At the Barber-ian.
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan
Did you hear about the viking that haggled all day and night to
get the best price for his ship?
It was quite an oar-deal...
How do viking ships communicate with each other?
Norse code
What did the viking say to his employer?
I need a raze!!!
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
Never let Vikings near your stone countertops...
They'd just
rune them.
If a Viking is reincarnated, Is he Bjorn again?
What does a viking that is trying to be optimistic say?
Things could be Norse.
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in
the force of the Norse, of course.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
The Minnesota Vikings walk into a bar
To watch the Super Bowl
Where does a viking keep their baby?
In the norsery
Why couldn't the viking clan replace the boat they lost?
They
couldn't affjord it.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
What do you call a Viking prostitute?
A Leif blower.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking
culture she'll fight me to the death
"Jokes on you" I said
"if I die in battle I'll go straight to Valhalla"
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can
scan-de-navien
What do the Minnesota Vikings and a car in the junk yard have in
common?
Neither one has a title
So I asked my Viking friend to write something nice in my
autograph book.
But all he could do was rune it.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving
marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to
participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say,
it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What do you call a viking who's been bit by a vampire?
Norseferatu
A barista, a viking, and a veterinarian are getting dinner
together. The topic of vacation comes up and the barista says,
"I don't have a lot saved up, so I think I'm going to stick
around town this year and just take it easy." The viking chimes
in, "I'm going to take my ship out with my mates and raid the
lands to the south." The other two look a bit shocked. The
veterinarian says, "I really want to give back this year so I'm
going to do volunteer work with stray animals in South America."
Just then, the waiter who overheard the conversation approaches:
"So it sounds like it's going to be a staycation, a slaycation,
and a spaycation."
My friends and I are starting a disco group. We'll dress as a
Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a
Spanish conquistador. We call ourselves... The Pillage People.
Roman soldiers are trained...
...But Vikings are Bjorn.
What type of cars do Vikings drive?
Fjords...
It takes a village to raise a child. It takes a Viking to raze a
village
The Viking's Talent
A man sees a poster advertising a circus
that says: "World sensation: A viking cuts a walnut in half with
his penis!" He doesn't believe this, so he buys a ticket, goes
to the show and there really is a
viking who puts a walnut on
the table, unzips his pants, pulls out his manhood and with one
swing cuts the walnut into two pieces. The man comes out amazed.
30 years later he sees a similiar poster: "World
sensation: A viking cuts a coconut in half with his penis!" "Can
it be the same viking?" the man thinks and buys a ticket to the
show, where he sees the now much older viking slowly coming to
the ring, placing a coconut on the table and after an aimed
swing with his pecker two halves of coconut fall to the ground.
After the show ended the man walks up to the viking and asks
him, after this many years, why did he change from walnuts to
coconuts? The viking answerd: "You know, at this age, my vision
is just not the same."
The Viking God Thor comes to Earth and spends all weekend
shagging a woman with a harelip. On Monday morning he says to
her "I am Thor". She replies "you're thor, I can't even pith!"
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock
What did the Viking say when hanging out his laundry?
"Today
is a good day to dry."
A joke fit for Viking Fest
Ole was on his death bed. The
doctor had told Lena that he wouldn't last the night and he
might as well die at home on his own bed. After a while, Ole's
eyes flickered open and he sniffed the air and muttered "Lefsa.
Oh, Lefsa." He worked his way to the edge of the bed and slipped
to the floor. Sniffing the air and muttering, "Lefsa," he
crawled to the stairs and half climbed, half fell downstairs.
"Oh, Lefsa..." He crawled to the kitchen door. There, he saw
Lena standing at the stove cooking Lefsa, with a stack of
finished ones on the table. He crawled to the table and
painfully pulled himself up on a chair murmuring "Lefsa." He was
reaching out for one when Lena turned and saw him. She smacked
his hand with the spatula and said, "Now, Ole, stop that! Those
are for after the funeral."
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because
of their skills in hacking
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
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