A husband and wife were having a bad day. They were arguing a
lot until the wife got fed up and said to just write her a note
if he really wanted to talk to her. He agreed, so for the rest
of the day they passed notes here and there.
A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink, not moving.
After about 20 minutes of this another man notices and walks
over and grabs the drink from the man and gulps it down. He sets
the glass down and looks at the man he just stole from, waiting
for a reaction. The man who had his drink stolen slowly turns to
the man who took his drink and says "I've had a really bad day.
My alarm clock didn't go off this morning so I was late to work,
which got me fired. When I went to drive home I found my car had
been stolen. In the cab I took to get home my wallet fell out
and I lost it. When I get home I find my wife in bed with the
neighbor. And now, when I finally get the courage to kill
myself, somebody drinks my poison. "
What does a vacuum cleaner say to another vacuum cleaner who has
a bad day?
That SUCKS!
I had to explain to the Judge several times
"You see, Judge,
I was having a bad day and I saw this old chicken can that
someone had filled up with shit. I was so mad I just kicked it.
It flew across the street and hit the policeman right in the
face. I swear I didn't mean to do it." The judge said "Explain
this to me again: Just why did the shitcan cross the road?"
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal
and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart
attack and died on the 10th tee." "Oh, that's awful!"
"You're
not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag
Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
John is having a bad day. He went to button his shirt and the
button fell off. He picked up his briefcase and the handle fell
off. He went to open the door and the door knob fell off.
Now
he's afraid to take a piss.
Why don't Flat Earthers care if they're having a bad day?
They're always on top of the world
My cock-eyed professor had a really bad day today. His pupils
got way out of line. It made him so angry that he couldn't see
straight.
What do you tell a Mexican having a bad day?
Sorry amigo,
it's just nacho day.
I've had a bad day. Not only would the toilet not flush but I've
been banned from the DiY store.
There was this doctor working one day, everything was going by
as usual. Then this beautiful blonde girl shows up, the doctor
was stunned by how hot she was, He had to get into her pants.
"Ok, I like for you to take your shirt off" said the doctor, The
girl does and the doctor starts rubbing her thighs "You know
what I am doing ?" asked the doctor, "Yeah you're checking for
abnormalities" she responded. Next the doctor tells her to take
her bra off, She does, and he starts rubbing her boobs "you know
what I am doing now" said the doctor. "Yeah, you're checking for
breast cancer." Finally, he goes for it, he rips off her pants,
throws her on the table and starts having sex with her, "You
know what I am doing now," said the doctor. The girl replys
"Yeah, you're getting herpes and that's why I'm here."
After walking into the bar with a very disturbed look on his
face, a guy orders 4 tequila shots. He then proceeds to down all
four of them immediately...
Bartender: "Wow, any man who
drinks like that has a problem."
Guy: "You could definitely
say that. I came home from work early today and found my
wife
of 15 years cheating on me. In my bed! With my best friend!"
Bartender: "Holy shit, that's just awful. What did you do?"
Guy: "Well, I immediately grabbed a suitcase, threw in a bunch
of her crap from the closet and dropped it at her feet. Told her
to get the hell out, and don't even think about coming back!"
Bartender: "That's rough. And the best friend?"
Guy: " Well,
I knelt down, grabbed him by his long fuzzy ears and said BAD
DOG!! THAT'S A BAD, BAD DOG!!!"
I knew it was going to be a bad day after I fell asleep on the
school bus this morning. Especially since I was the one driving.
Paddy the Irishman is at work, He gets a call from his boss in
the office. Paddy goes into the office & takes the call, comes
out 5 mins later looking very sad & upset. The boss says: "wWat
on earth happened paddy?"
Paddy: "The hospital in London just
rang up & told me my mom has died."
Boss: "That's terrible
news, you better take the rest of the day off."
Paddy: "No, I
can carry on & see the day out",
So he goes back to work. 20
mins later, Paddy gets another call, so he goes into the office
& takes it. 5 mins later he comes out again, This time he is
even more visibly upset than before, eyes turning red
Boss
says: "Gee, what's happened now paddy?"
Paddy says: "That was
my brother Sheamus, he just rang from county Cork, his mum's
died too."
The reason I check my hair and my general appearance so often,
is because of this one bad day. I can't even say I remember it,
but I am told my hair was a mess, I was covered with unspeakable
fluids, had trouble breathing, couldn't even stand, and I cried
in front of everyone. I'm still trying to live down the day I
was born.
A lonely young guy driving cross-country picked up a stunning
female hitchhiker. Out in the middle of the desert, she started
coming on to him. When she offered him some oral pleasure, he
pulled over to the side of the road. But once his pants were
around his ankles, she pulled out a gun, bound his wrists to his
ankles, robbed him of his wallet and clothes, and drove off in
his car. After hopping beside the road for miles, a trucker
happened along and stopped. "What happened?" asked the trucker
and the man explained his plight. The trucker got out of his
rig, unzipped his pants, and said, "This just ain't your day, is
it, boy?!"
"Alright, I got good news and bad news."
"Tell me the good
news first, I've been having a horrible day."
"Ok boss. Good
news is that your wife found some pictures. Says she expects
maybe $100,000 for them."
"Oh, that's wonderful! Exactly what
I needed to hear. And what was the bad news?"
"They're of you
and your secretary."
A stork gets home after a bad day at work and is chilling with
his wife.
"How was work dear?" she asked.
"I had a really
big baby today and I dropped him because he was to heavy."
"Oh you silly goose", she says. "The heavy babies are always
delivered by crane."
An accountant is having a bad day. Everything is going wrong,
his marriage is going down the tubes, he is about to lose his
job, he steps out and looks down Guy on the street calls the
cops and says "Come quick! There's an accountant on the
ledger!"
An Art Critic is having a bad day.
He arrives in his office,
only to hear the phone ring. Picking it up, it's from his
agent. This is what he says:
What face does a Syrian make when he has a bad day?
Assad
one.
I had a really bad day. First, my ex got run over by a taxi.
Then I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
A man comes home to his wife after a bad day at work. He asks
"Honey, I'm feeling a little down today, can you tell me
anything to make me feel better?" She thinks for a moment and
looks back at him with a smile to say "Sweety, you have the
biggest dick out of all your friends!"
Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What
rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A gent next to
her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't
know...
Why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments
later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the
roulette table. Maybe, she won! Rushing back to the table and
pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady
lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over
her. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator
replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29.
When 36 came up she fainted!"
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He
looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well,
which one ARE you then?'
You've had a bad day but...
The parachute company says you'll
get a full refund.
The flesh eating virus barely touched your
other arm.
Imagine what would have happened if your ex-wife
had a *good* lawyer.
The fertility drugs worked 4 times
better than expected.
The insurance company said they will
pay the full book value of $455 for your 1966 Corvette.
At
least the operation was partially successful.
Don't worry
about who the real father is, your son's chances of getting a
full
scholarship just increased significantly!
|
