Buying a New Farm
A blonde and a brunette decide to start a
farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of
$200.00.
Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with
it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find
the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde
and tell her to come get it.
Finally, the brunette find
the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it.
The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his
offer.
The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a
great deal, how about $199.00?"
The brunette accepts and
buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram
guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this
and says,"Comfortable, write that."
"Comfortable?" the
guy questions.
"Yes, you see she reads slow."
I Want Some Milk
Gloria the blonde once heard that milk
baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman
Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When Alan read the
note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably
meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the
order.
Gloria came to the door, and Alan said, "I found
your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons
or 1.5 gallons?"
Gloria said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm
going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
Alan asked, "Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?"
Gloria replied, "No, just up to my waist."
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: What do you call a blonde
with a brand new PC?
A: A dumb terminal.
Q: Why are
blonde jokes so easy to understand?
A: So brunettes can
understand them.
Q: How did the blond burn her ear?
A:
The phone rang while she was ironing.
Q: There are 17
blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn't they get in?
A: The sign said "must be 18 to enter".
Q: Why are there
no brunette jokes?
A: Because blondes would have to think
them up.
Q: How does a blonde make instant pudding?
A:
She places the box in the microwave and looks for the "instant
pudding setting" button.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde
that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"?
A: When she got back to the dorm and found out it was volume
seven of the encyclopedia.
Q: What do you call 24 blondes
in a cardboard box?
A: A case of empties.
Q: What stops
then goes then stops then goes?
A: A blonde at a blinking red
light.
Q: Did you hear about Pepsi's new soda just for
blondes?
A: It has "open other end" printed on the bottom.
Q: Why do blondes always rapidly flap their hands towards
theirs ears?
A: They're refuelling.
Q: Why did the
blonde purchase an AM radio?
A: She didn't want one for
nights.
Q: What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
A: Her husband is out looking for the other man.
Q: Did
you hear about the dead blonde in the closet?
A: She was last
years hide and seek winner.
Q: What is dumber than a
brunette building a fire under the water?
A: A blonde trying
to put it out.
Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
A: To get chocolate milk.
Q: What do you do when a blonde
throws a pin at you?
A: Run! She's got a hand grenade in her
mouth.
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A:
I'll tell you tomorrow.
Q: Why can't the blonde make ice
cubes?
A: She lost the recipe.
Q: How do you hit a
blonde so she will never know it?
A: With a thought.
Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was
hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache.
Q: How
does a blond know if she's on her way home or on her way to
work?
A: She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything
in it.
Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: Knock on the door.
Q: Why does a blonde only change
her baby's diapers every month?
A: The instructions stated,
"good for up to 20 pounds".
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and
the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Q:
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents
occur around the home?
A: She moved.
Q: What's five
miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
Q: What is the blonde's highest ambition in life?
A: They
want to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Q:
What are the six worst years in a blonde's life.
A: Third
grade.
Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Q: How
to you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room
and tell her to sit in the corner.
Q: What goes vroom,
screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech?
A: A blonde going
through a flashing red light.
Q: To a blonde, what is
long and hard?
A: Grade four.
Q: What is the
definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
Q: What
did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just love
nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Q: Did you
hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in
their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see
"Closed for the Winter".
Q: Why won't they hire a blonde
pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles
in the typewriters.
Q: A blonde is walking down the
street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks
"Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a
raffle!"
Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A:
Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Q:
Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking
them with the hammers.
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink
for a blonde?
A: Perri-air.
Q: Did you hear about the
blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs
and was still stuck.
Q: When is it legal to shoot a
blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate
it!
Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow
into the air?
A: She missed.
Q: What is it called when
a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A:
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did
the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on
the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why did the
blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other
side.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she
finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on
the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: Why did the blonde
call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook
food stamps!
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their
relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
Q: What did the
blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh
look! Donut seeds!"
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies
their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q:
What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A:
Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: What does a blond and
a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the
neck up.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm
blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea
yea yea..."
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link
fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why
did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From
crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher
learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: What do you call a blonde
with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: What do you call a
brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a
tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
Q: What do
you call a smart blond?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: What
do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of
her head.
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What do you call a dumb blonde
behind a steering wheel?
A: An Air Bag.
Q: What do you
call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A
wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in
a BMW?
A: Divorcee'
Q: What do you call a blonde with
2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: If a blonde and a brunette
are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The
brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her
IQ goes up!
Q: What is the difference between a smart
blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q:
What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is
on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's
off.
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny
for her thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: What does a blonde say
if you blow in his/her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q:
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: They can't
remember the number.
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an
emergency?
A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone
buttons.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: "What's a lightbulb?"
Q: How many
blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to
hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
Q: How do
you get rid of blondes?
A: Form a circle, give each blonde a
gun, and tell them they are a firing squad.
Q: Santa
Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are
walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it
up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
Q: Santa
Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are
walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it
up?
A: None of them, two don't exist and the dumb blonde
thought it was a gum wrapper.
Q: Why do blondes like
lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.
Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF
on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: Why do blondes
wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is
over their heads.
Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
Q: Why don't
blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle
into the typewriter.
Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a
freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: How can you tell if a
blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the
screen.
Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been
using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.
Q: How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: How can you tell if a
blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the
toaster in one piece.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde
passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q:
Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes
too long to retrain them.
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write
the number eleven?
A: She didn't know what number came first.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence
gone?
A: Divorced.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill
the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: How did the
blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the
tree.
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The
cow fell on her.
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
Q: Why did it take the
blonde seven days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago?
A: She
kept seeing signs that read "stop clean bathroom".
Q: Why
does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or
at the end?"
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been
making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all
over the kitchen floor.
Q: What job function does a
blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: Do
you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A:
For throwing out the W's.
Q: Why don't blondes like
making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in
the little packet.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.
Q: Why did the
blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep
the refrigerator cold.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3
come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"
Q: How do
you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q:
What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A:
Proofreading.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired
from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q:
Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't
fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
Q: Why do
blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their
ears.
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the
freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
Q:
How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their
shoulder pads.
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a
mirror at the bottom of the pool. c0pyr|ghta!haj0k3s
Q:
How do you drown a blond?
A: Leave a scratch and sniff at the
bottom of the pool.
Q: How do you describe a blonde,
surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
Q: How do
you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.
Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of
M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.
Q: How do you plant
dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
Q: How do you get a one-armed
blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: How do you
get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a
flashlight in their ear.
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: Have you heard
what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool?
A: No smoking.
Q: What does a blond do when someone says
its chili outside?
A: She grabs a bowl.
Q: Why do Blondes
wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.
Q: Why did the
blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.
Q: How do
you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on
Wednesday.
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her
hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a
thought.
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A:
They don't know the route.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days
a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her
clothes into a pile and jumps off.
What type of prize did you win?
A blonde goes to the local
restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to
drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of
her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she
begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"
The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The
biggest prize given away was a stero system!"
The blonde
replies, "No. I won a motor home!"
By this time, the
manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You
couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have
that as one of our prizes."
Again the blonde says, "There
is no mistake! I won a motor home!"
The blonde hands the
prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."
One wish to each
Three blondes were walking through the
desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.
After
rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will
grant three wishes, one for each of you."
The first said,
"I wish I were smarter."
So, she became a redhead.
The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."
She became a brunette.
The third blond ordered, "I
wish I were smarter than both of them!"
So, she became a
man.
Blondes change a lightbulb
Three blondes are attempting to
change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde:
Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't
light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator:
Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning
the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
Make it off the island
There were three people stranded on an
island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked
over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to
shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So
she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten
miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she
drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I
wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the
mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim
out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as
she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles,
she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde
thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd
better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles,
fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The
shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!"
So she swam back.
Did you hear about the blond?
Did you hear about the blonde
who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
Did you hear about
the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the
"Vacant" sign up?
Did you hear about the blonde who was
an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?
Did you hear about the
blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas,
wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
Did you hear
about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip
poker?
Did you hear about the blonde who brought her
cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
Guess who knows the state capitals?
A dumb blonde was
bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United
States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the
capitals, I know all of them."
A red head said, "O.K.,
what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's
easy, 'W'."
I'm going ice fishing!
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her
birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift.
Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed
out to the ice.
When she reached her final destination,
she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then
suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in
there".
So she moves to another spot and cuts another
hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there
were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice
tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees
an irritated man staring down at her.
"How do you know
there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.
So the man
cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second
of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."
Boat troubles
During late spring one year, a blonde was
trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat
perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no
matter how hard she tried.
After trying for over three
days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She
putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone
there could identify her problem.
Workers determined that
everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly
on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped
into the water to check underneath the boat for problems.
Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and
gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place
securely, was the trailer.
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