Helping an overweight blonde
An overweight blonde consulted
her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles
a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as
many as twenty pounds.
The blonde followed the doctor's
advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she
had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor
and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such
effective results.
At the end of the conversation,
however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since
I am now 300 miles away?"
How to get across the river
A blonde once got lost near a
river. She traveled up and down it searching for a way to get to
the other side.
She tried walking in the shallow part of
the river, and she even tried grabbing onto a branch that
stretched half way across the river to try to swing to the other
side. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't get across.
After many failed attempts, she finally felt like giving up.
Yet, at the last moment, she saw a person walking by and decided
to follow her--across the bridge.
Blond medical terminology
Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do
when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching
for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic --
Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital --
Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of
daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series --
Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail --
Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense
pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of
Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring
young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room
-- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar --
Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure
-- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet --
Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia
-- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine --
Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein --
Conceited
How do I get across that river?
A dumb blonde is walking
along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up
and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in
finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she
happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She
tried calling to her.
"How can I get to the other side of
the river?" she shouts loudly.
The other blonde replied
"What for? You are already on the other side of the river!"
Three blonds on death row
Three women are about to be
executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and
one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward,
and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says
no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled
and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards
then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she
has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts,
"Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams,
"tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around.
She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had
figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward,
and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also
says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
What's in the bag?
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed
a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in
the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but
they were able to get away into the back of the store. There
they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer
checked there, he examined each sack.
He kicks the first
bag, and the redhead says "meow" in a high voice. The cop
determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves
on to the next.
When he kicks the second bag, the
brunette says "woof" in a low voice. The officer determines that
it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last
bag.
He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts
"potato" to the officer.
Clean those restrooms
On her way home from a long trip, a
blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES."
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43
restrooms.
Do you know where you were going?
A policeman pulled a blonde
over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way
street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the
cars were leaving.
Why are you yelling that?
A painting contractor was speaking
with a woman about her job.
In the first room, she said
she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this
down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green
side up!"
In the second room, she told the painter she
would like it painted in a soft yellow.
He wrote this on
his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side
up!"
The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm
rose color.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the
window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"
The lady
then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes
laying sod across the street.
Want me to paint for you?
A blonde was recently fired from an
M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the
candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself.
After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she
found a man who needed a painter.
"I'm here for the paint
job," she said.
"Alright," said the man. "Here is the
paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the
house."
The blonde immediately went to work painting.
Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second
coating.
After she finished, she returned to the man for
her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the
job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that
isn't a Porsche out back. It's a new BMW.
Fallen bridge
A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk
along the river.
The blond walked across alone on a
wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down.
She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that
she couldn't get back.
He yelled in response, "Wait until
dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on
the light beam and walk back."
She replied, "No, I'll get
half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on
me!"
Helping a blond lose weight
A blonde is overweight, so her
doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly
for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two
weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five
pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20
pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you
follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell
you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from
skipping," replied the blonde.
I deserve a first class seat
A blonde gets on an airplane and
sits down in the first class section of the plane. The
stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to
coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde
replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm
staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The
disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the
blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm
smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we
reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to
do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the
passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem
with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.
The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She
immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said
to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I
told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to
Jamaica."
Slot machine winner
A dumb blonde was standing in front of a
soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty
cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the
ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes
another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!
She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine
became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can
go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"
The
blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up
this machine while I'm still winning!"
Do you see the dead bird?
A brunette and a blonde are walking
along in a park one morning.
Suddenly, the brunette
notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says
sadly.
The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says,
"Where? Where?"
Buying drinks at a bar
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead
went into a bar and ordered their drinks from the bartender.
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a
B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead:
"And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and
T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a
15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"
First experience horse riding
A blonde decides to learn and
try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or
lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall,
shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a
steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the
saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but
cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms
around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the
horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to
its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip,
she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to
safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in
the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding
hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments
away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart
manager runs out to shut the horse off.
Mind telling me the time?
BLONDE: "Excuse me, what time is it
right now?"
WOMAN: "It's 11:25PM."
BLONDE:
(confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've
asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone
gives me a different answer."
The blonde test taker
A blonde reports for her university
final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the
question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of
inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts
tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads
and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done,
whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately
throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator,
alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.
"I
finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm
rechecking my answers."
Turn back your car odometer
A blonde made several attempts to
sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a
buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her
problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.
The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car
easier, but it's not going to be legal."
"That doesn't
matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I
am able to sell this car."
"Alright," replied the
brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the
address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around
here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on
your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell
your car."
The following weekend, the blonde took a trip
to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.
About one month
after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell
your car?"
"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It
only has 40,000 miles on it."
Shortage of parachutes
A blonde, a brunette, a movie star,
the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.
The plane was
going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all
five of them.
The pilot took one and jumped, then the
movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and
jumped.
The pope told the brunette to take the last one.
The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The
blonde took my backpack!"
I can't breathe without that
A blonde goes into the beauty
and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.
"I need to
take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as
she notices the blonde.
"You can't! I'll die!" retorts
the blonde.
"I can't cut your hair with the walkman on
your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.
"I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!"
The beauty
specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws
it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies.
When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it
repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in".
How many sheep do I have?
There once was a blonde who was
very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her
intelligence.
So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a
make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the
country.
Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the
road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was
tending to them.
"If I can guess the exact number of
sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.
The
shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.
"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.
Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her
choice.
She looked around for a while and finally found
one that she really liked.
She picked it up and was
petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I
can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"
The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're
a blonde! Now give me back my dog."
Let's take a trip to Disney
Two blondes had driven across the
country to see Disney World in Florida.
As they
approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they
saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"
After thinking for
a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving
back home.
You've got mail
A blonde quickly went out to her mail box,
looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the
house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking
her mail again.
She did this five more times, and her
neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting
a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that
mail box."
The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my
computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."
our kid has been kidnapped
A blonde, out of money and down on
her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money
desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and
hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground,
grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told
her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note
saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000
in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the
slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and
sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the
blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath
the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the
$10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a
fellow blonde?"
Do you realize what I am?
A blonde was telling her priest a
Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her,
"Don't you know I'm Polish?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde
apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"
Don't give us a bad name
There was a blonde driving down the
road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde
joke after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad that she
turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another
blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped
her car jumped out and yelled, "It's blondes like you that give
us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give
you what's coming to you!"
Question and answer blonde jokes
Q: How do blonde braincells
die?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A:
Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: How do
you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.
Q: How
do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire
pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: How does a blonde kill a
fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: A blond going to London on
a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the
seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please
turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
Blonde Sky Divers
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.
The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord --
nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still
nothing.
The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and
yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
Rowing Your Boat
Two blondes were driving along a road by a
wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field
rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend
and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad
name!"
To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and
if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving
her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made
her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He
told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man
angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the
blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her
windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing
hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I
stepped out of the circle three times!"
Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the
bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice,
the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should
know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is
blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next
to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to
your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of
US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell
that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna
have to explain it five times."
I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks
a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk
looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes
back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she
returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the
clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the
blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she
returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her
astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve
blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do
you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her
disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
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