Saint Peter is checking in new arrivals in heaven....
"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a surgeon. I helped the
lame to walk."
"Well, go right on in through the Pearly
Gates" "What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher. I
taught the blind to see."
"Fine .. go right on in through the
"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a
musician. I helped make sad people happy."
"You can load in
through the kitchen."
A sax player dies and goes to the pearly gates. St Peter
says sorry 'too much partying you have to go to the other place.
The elevator doors open and he goes into a huge bar. All the
greatest are on stage on a break. He goes over to Charlie Parker
and says . Hey this can't be Hell all the best are playing here.
Charlie say's hey man 'Karen Carpenter is on drums!
This trumpet player was on the phone with his agent. He was
concerned that he didn't have a gig in a while. His agent tells
him; "Listen, there aren't any gigs out there, but I found you
something. I got you a gig bagging lions."
To which the
trumpet player says, "What does that have to do with my playing.
The agent then says "Look, the gig pays 100.00 for each lion
that you bag, don't worry about playing"
.At this point the
trumpet player will take anything so he hangs up and flies to
Africa. Not wanting to miss any practice time he takes his
trumpet with him while looking for the lions. He notices a lion
coming toward him and the only thing that he could think of
doing is playing his horn. He starts to play a beautiful ballad.
He then notices that the lion starts to get sleepy and
eventually goes to sleep. He grabs the lion, bags him and throws
him in the back of his truck.
He goes a little further and
sees another lion. Again he plays a beautiful ballad and again
the lion falls asleep. This goes on all afternoon. The trumpet
player has about 99 lions in his truck when he sees another.
He says "What the heck, one more won't hurt". He starts to play
his ballad and notices that the lion is not paying any attention
to him so he starts to play louder. The lion starts to run
toward the trumpet player. The trumpet player starts to play
faster and faster but the lion keeps coming toward him. The lion
jumps on the trumpet player and eats him.
One of the lions on
the truck turns to another lion and says, "I told you that when
he gets to the deaf one the gig would be over".
Why bury guitar players 6 feet under?
Because deep down
they're all very nice people..
Late one day a local pub saw six guys walk in, obviously in
pairs of two, sit down and order their favorite after-work
The first two to seat themselves and be served by the
bartender were two guys working at a major university whose
I.Q.s were so high they could hardly be measured! They began
discussing from Quantum Mechanics to the fine points of Particle
Physics, either one as brilliantly as the other.
bartender then went over to the next pair who were "regular
guys" with ordinary jobs, with average I.Q.s, schmoozing about
how hard it was today to keep up with bill payments, how high
taxes were, how corrupt politicians were and all the day-to-day
struggles most everyone has.
The last two the bartender
served were two very badly educated, ill-mannered dolts with
very low I.Q.s that could barely be measured on any I.Q. test.
As soon as they'd ordered the bartender overheard one say to the
other, "Oh, hey, I meant to ask ya, d'you use flatwound or
roundwound on your bass?"
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb ?
None...they just steal somebody else's light
sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his
instrument. After some thought, he decides on the
accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the
owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please." The
owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All
our accordions are over there." After browsing, the
drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the
corner." The store owner looks at him and says, "You're
a drummer, aren't you?" The drummer, crestfallen, says,
"How did you know?" The store owner says, "That `big red
accordion' is the radiator."
How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist
to do it.
3. Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull
the chair out from under her.
What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
don't have hair on their backs.
What is the difference between a world war and a high school
The performance causes more suffering.
Why do high school choruses travel so often?
How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
cares - neither one's a guitar
How many bar bands does it take to cover Mustang Sally?
Evidently all of them.