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Marriage Jokes, Relationship Jokes And More!
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HEY, NOW TAKE MY WIFE ..... PLEASE!
THE ATHEIST'S PROPOSAL
A young lady came home from a date rather sad. She told her mother, "He proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell!" Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

 IN THE GARDEN 
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for a while. One asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?" "Opened a can of peas instead!"
Lacking Listening Skills

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist, who was speeding down Main Street. "But, officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer,” the man said, “I just wanted to say …"
"I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" said the officer.
A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." 
 Men Are Just Like Computers!

Two sisters were talking over breakfast, discussing how men were similar to computers.

The first woman said, "In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on."

The second woman replied, "Yup, and they have a lot of data but are still clueless."

The first woman added, "They are supposed to help you solve problems but, half the time they ARE the problem."

The second woman came up with, "A soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could've had a better model."

Suddenly, the husband of woman #2 entered the kitchen. He apparently had heard the entire conversation!

He said, "And when they're exposed to new information, it's stored and remembered for a long, long time."
Rich Man, Poor Man

A rich man and a poor man are sitting in a bar one night. The poor man asks the rich man what he got his wife for her birthday. "I got her a brand new convertible and a 24-karat diamond ring," said the rich man.
The poor man, a bit puzzled by this, says "Why in the hell did you get her both?"
The rich man replies, "I got her both because if she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back in her new car and exchange it."
After this, the rich man asks the poor man what he got his wife for her birthday.
The poor man responds," I got her a scarf and a pair of sneakers."
Obviously confused, the rich man asks why he chose those items.
The poor man replied, " Because if she doesn't like the scarf, she can take a hike."
What did the battered woman do when she got home from her battered women seminar?  THE DISHES IF SHE KNOWS WHAT'S GOOD FOR HER!!! 
I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla.

"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded.

"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution." 
Doom and Groom

"Congratulations, my boy!" said the uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," the groom protested.

"I know," replied the uncle. "That's what I mean."
Wedding Dress

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question: "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
Fore He's a Jolly Good Fellow
A husband and wife are out playing golf when, on the 14th hole, the man finds himself in the rough with a barn between him and the green. As he ponders just how he's going to save par, his wife suggests, "Why not open the front and rear barn doors and hit through the barn?"

He thinks about it and decides to give it a try. After opening the doors, he hits a low-flying shot, which smacks off the barn door and ricochets to hit his wife right between the eyes, killing her instantly.

About a month later, he's finally put himself together again to start playing golf. The first time out with his buddy, he somehow finds himself in the same predicament on the 14th hole: right behind the barn. He can't believe it. Considering the shot, his friend suggests, "Why not open the barn doors and hit right through it?"

"God no," replies the man. "I tried that a few weeks ago and made triple bogey."
Man oh Man

How many men does it take to take out the trash?
Who knows? Has it ever happened?

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

What's the difference between a man and Bigfoot?
One is covered with matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet.
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newly weds do, time and again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she see him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's THAT?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?" 
Newly married
A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding night, she tells each one to write back about their married life.

To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a 'code' to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: 'Maxwell House Coffee'.

The mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell House advertisement, and it says, 'Satisfaction to the last drop...'

So the mother is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married.

After a week, there was a message that read: 'Rothman's Mattresses'.

So the mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says, 'Full size, king size'.

And the mother is happy.

Then it comes to the third one's wedding. Mother is anxious.

After four weeks came the message: 'British Airways'. And the mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted.

The ad reads: 'Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'
"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!" Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"
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