Several men were drinking in a local pub when one decided that
he had enough and started for home. He swayed violently as he
walked, even though he really hadn't had that much to drink.
When one of the newer patrons asked why the man walked that
way, he was told that the drinker had been a sailor for 30
years, and still walked as if he was on a ship's deck in heavy
weather.
The man thought this to be nonsense. He started
to make violent pelvic thrusts against the bar as he told his
friends, "I've been a lawyer for 35 years, and I don't have to
do this when I walk!"
Two Blondes walk into a bar...
Two Blondes walk
into a bar, sit down at a table and order a pitcher of beer
explaining to the bartender that the rest of their group will be
arriving shortly.
As they wait they fill their glasses and
toast "Fifty-one Days, Fifty-one Days!" and the bartender,
seeing that they were happy went about his business.
A
few moments later two more Blondes walk in, sit down at the
table and join them in the toast... "Fifty-one Days, Fifty-one
Days" they exclaimed! And they all drank. The Bartender gave
them a questioning look and then returned his work.
Just
then another Blonde entered the bar and in joined her friends.
They order a fresh pitcher of brew and again they all joined in
the toast "Fifty-one Days, Fifty-one Days!"
This peaked
the bartender’s interest and he went over to the table where the
group was sitting and politely inquired, " I noticed that you
seem to be celebrating over here and I'm wondering what it's all
about."
The last Blonde that entered stood up, smiled
and said, "We are celebrating the completion of a jigsaw puzzle
that we bought a while ago ... the box said from 3 to 5 Years,
and it only took us Fifty-one Days!"
THE HAMSTER
A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a
drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay
for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money,
but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you
give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me
ain't risqué." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat
pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar
and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the
room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing
Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender
says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before.
That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the
drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another
miracle, or else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches
into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on
the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice
and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of
the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the $300 and gives the
stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The
bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a
singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You
must be crazy." "Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a
ventriloquist."
GOING NUTS
A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work
and takes a seat at the far end of the bar where nobody will
bother him. He gets a beer and hears a voice say, "You look nice
today!" He looks around and doesn't see anyone, so he passes it
off as his imagination. He soon hears the voice again and it
says, "You know, blue looks great on you." He calls the
bartender over and says, "Hey buddy, what's in this beer? I keep
hearing voices talking to me, saying nice things to me." The
bartender says, "Oh, don't worry. Those are just our peanuts.
They're complimentary!"
THE END
For more than an hour a scrawny, geek of a guy had
sat at the bar staring down into his glass Suddenly a burly
truck driver loped across the room, sat down next to him and
drank the guy's drink. The poor fellow burst out crying. "Oh,
come on, pal," the trucker said, "I was just joking. Here, I'll
buy you another drink." "No, that's not it ..." the man replied.
"This has been the worst day of my life. I overslept, was late
for work and got fired. When I left the office, I found that my
car had been stolen. I hailed a cab to go home but realized I
had left my wallet at the house, so I walked the six miles home.
Then I found my wife in bed with our neighbor, so I grabbed my
wallet and came here." And just when I was thinking about
putting an end to my life," the guy sighed, "you show up and
drink my poison."
HOME COOKIN'
Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly
their wives thought of them. The first guy said, "My wife, she
thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around
the house. It's incredible." The second guy says, "That's
nothing. My wife thinks I'm God." "She thinks you're God? What
makes you say that?" "Every night she places a burnt offering
before me."
THE OLDEST PROFESSION
Three guys were sitting in a bar
arguing over which profession was established first. The surgeon
said, "The Bible says Eve was made by carving a rib out of Adam
-- that makes mine the oldest job." The engineer replied, "In
six days the Earth was created of chaos -- an engineer’s job."
"Yes, but who created the chaos?" asked the politician.
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire
State Building when the first man turns to the other and says,
"You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top
of this building,
by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the
winds around the building are so intense that they carry you
around the building and back into the window."
The bartender
just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way
that could happen." "No, it's true," said the first man, let me
prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the
balcony, and plummets to the
street below. When he passes the
10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back
into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to
the bar. He met the second man, who looked quite astonished.
"You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been
a one time fluke."
"No, I'll prove it again," says the
first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the
street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the
building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his
fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hey," the second guy
says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges
downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors
...and hits
the sidewalk with a 'splat.' Back upstairs the Bartender turns
to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, sometimes you
can be a real jerk."
AT
THE MUSEUM
A father and his son were
looking at a Nativity scene in a London gallery. It was
Titian's world-famous painting of the scene at
Bethlehem. The boy asked, "Dad, why is the baby lying in
such a cruddy cradle in a pile of straw?" "Well, son,"
explained the father, "they were poor and they couldn't
afford anything better." Said the boy, "Then how come
they could afford to have their picture painted by such
an expensive artist?" |
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THE RIVER
Three men are trying to cross a river. The first
one prays and says, "Please give me the strength to cross this
river." Poof! He grows huge arms and legs and swims across the
river. The second man prays and says, "Please give me the
strength and ability to cross this river." Poof! A rowboat
appears in front of him and he rows his way across the river.
The third man, seeing what the others have done, prays and says,
"Please give me the strength, ability and intelligence to cross
this river." Poof! He turns into a woman. At that point, she
looks at a map, walks down the bank and uses the bridge to cross
the river.
THE FINAL EXAM
It was the final examination for an
introductory English course at the local university. The
examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided.
The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam
that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be
accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam,
a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam
booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the
professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a
booklet. "Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat
and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the
exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except
the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, he
came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing
for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of
exam booklets already there. "No you don't, I'm not going to
accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and
angry. "Do you know WHO I am?" "No, as a matter of fact I
don't," replied the professor. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" The
student asked again. "No, and I don't care," replied the
professor with an air of superiority. "Good," replied the
student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams,
stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
AT THE THEATER
A cowboy lay sprawled across three seats in
the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed
this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only
allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The
usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from
there I'm going to have to call the manager." The cowboy just
groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a
moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them
tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the
situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your
name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned." Where ya from, Sam?" With pain
in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."
GOOD SERVICE
A guest in a posh hotel was at breakfast one
morning and called over the head waiter. He said, "Good morning,
sir. I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that
it's runny, and the other so overcooked that it's tough and hard
to eat. Also, I want some grilled bacon that has been left out
so it gets a bit on the cold side, burnt toast that crumbles
away as soon as you touch it with a knife, and I'd like some
butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to
spread. And I'd like a pot of weak coffee, lukewarm." "I'm
sorry, sir." said the bewildered waiter. "We cannot do that for
you." The guest replied, "Oh? But that's what I got yesterday!"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
A man asked his wife, "What would you most
like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be 10 again." On
the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and
off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the
park -- the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear.
Everything there was, she had a go. She staggered out of the
theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach
upside down. Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a
Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off
to a theater to see a movie, with popcorn, cola and sweets. At
last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like
being 10 again?" She opened one eye and groaned, "Actually, I
meant dress size."
THE DATE
After several exciting dates, Jim invited Tina over
to his house for a home-cooked dinner. When she sat down at the
table, she noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that she
had ever seen in her life. "Have these dishes ever been washed?"
Tina asked, running her fingers over the grit and grime. Jim
replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
Tina felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating. It was really
delicious and she said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner
was over, Jim took the dishes outside, whistled and yelled,
"Here, Soap! Here, Water!"
Mom's Dictionary:
AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a
1-year-old to eat strained beets. APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime
dessert which children will trade for cupcakes. BABY: 1) Dad,
when he gets a cold. 2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all
except Mom to be self-cleaning. BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having
kids do things which can't be explained logically. BED &
BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always
winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who
have had the most sugar. COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the
sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner. DATE: Infrequent
outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in
a different setting. DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left
open in the fridge. DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR." EAR: A
place where kids store dirt. ENERGY: Element of vitality kids
always have an oversupply of until asked to do something. EYE:
The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can
be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly
handled butter knife. FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in
answer to the question, "What's for dinner tonight?" See
"SARCASM" GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids. HAMPER: A
wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded By, but not
containing, dirty clothing. HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirtsleeves,
drapes, etc. HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too
many diapers. ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in
small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the things
instead of putting them back in the freezer empty. JEANS: Which,
according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion,
including church and funerals. JUNK: Dad's stuff. KISS: Mom
medicine. LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom
buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a
table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three
to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents. MAYBE: No. OCEAN:
What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids,
assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen
toy boats, cars and animals. OPEN: The position of children's
mouths when they eat in front of company. OVERSTUFFED RECLINER:
Mom's nickname for Dad.
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