Two aliens, Zathar and Caad, landed in the Arizona desert near
an abandoned gas station. They approached the gas pumps and
Zathar said to it "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take
us to your leader. "
The gas pump, of course, did not
respond.
Zathar repeated the greeting and there was still no
response.
Annoyed by what he perceived as the gas pump's
haughty attitude, Zathar drew his ray gun and said impatiently,
"Greetings Earthling, we come in peace. Why do you dare ignore
us this way? Take us to your leader now, or I will be forced to
fire upon you."
Caad began to warn his comrade, "No, you must
not anger him................", but ...before he could finish
his warning Zathar fired upon the gas pump.
There was a huge
explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert
where they landed in a heap.
When they finally regained
consciousness (aliens have tough skin) Zathar turned to Caad and
said "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did
you determine it to be so dangerous?"
Caad answered, "If
there is one thing I have learned in my travels throughout the
galaxy, it is that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around
himself twice and then stick in his own ear, don't mess with
him."
On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens
aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an
incident they say has been covered up by the military. March 31,
1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.
That
clears up a lot of things.
INTELLIGENT LIFE It was a happy occasion at NASA; they had just
made the scientific achievement of a lifetime. As they were
uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Oppenstein, the head
scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received
a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United
States. He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.
"Mr. President," said Dr. Oppenstein, grinning broadly, "after
12 years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have
finally found intelligent life on Mars." He listened for a
second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a
frown. He said, "But that's impossible ... we could never do it.
Yes Mr. President," and hung up the phone. He addressed the
crowd of scientists staring at him curiously. "I have some bad
news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found
intelligent life on Mars, he wants us to try to find it in
Congress."
What do you call an overweight ET ?
An extra cholesterol !
Ten commandments for amateur astronomers 1. Thou shalt have no
white light before thee, behind thee, or to the side of thee
whilst sharing the night sky with thy fellow stargazers.
2.
Thou shalt not love thy telescope more than thy spouse or thy
children; as much as, maybe, but not more.
3. Thou shalt not
covet thy neighbor's telescope, unless it exceeds in aperture or
electronics twice that of thy wildest dreams.
4. Thou shalt
not read "Astronomy" or "Sky & Telescope" on company time, for
thine employer makes it possible to continue thine astronomical
hobby.
5. Thou shalt have at least two telescopes so as to
keep thy spouse interested when the same accompanies thee under
the night sky or on eclipse expeditions to strange lands where
exotic wild animals doth roam freely.
6. Thou shalt not
allow either thy sons or thy daughters to get married during the
Holy Days of Starfest.
7. Thou shalt not reveal to thy
spouse the true cost of thy telescope collection; only the
individual components, and that shall be done with great
infrequency.
8. Thou shalt not buy thy spouse any lenses,
filters, dew shields, maps, charts, or any other necessities for
Christmas, anniversaries, or birthdays unless thy spouse needs
them for their own telescope.
9. Thou shalt not deceive thy
spouse into thinking that ye are taking them for a romantic
Saturday night drive when indeed thou art heading for a dark sky
site.
10. Thou shalt not store thy telescope in thy living
room, dining room, or bedroom, lest thou be sleeping with it
full time.
Two astronauts went to a bar on the moon, but they left after a
few minutes ? You see, it had no atmosphere !
An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a
total eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there,
when he's captured by cannibals. The eclipse is due the next day
around noon. To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a god and
threaten to extinguish the sun if he's not released, but the
timing has to be just right. So, in the few words of the
cannibals' primative tongue that he knows, he asks his guard
what time they plan to kill him.
The guard's answer is,
"Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun
reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their
capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for
the evening meal".
"Great", the astronomer replies.
The
guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so excited
about it, in your case we're going to wait until after the
eclipse."
First Spaceman: I'm hungry.
Second Spaceman: So am I, it must
be launch time!
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each
other. One says to the other,
"Are you all right?"
"No, I
lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"
Q: How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: None. They are not interested in that short wave
stuff.
The Top 15 Mistakes Made on the MIR Space Station
16)
Spacesuits made by Kathie Lee's plant in Siberia.
15)
Freeze-dried lard sandwiches never as good as the real thing.
14) Souvenir shop takes up way too much room.
13) Forgot to
set the VCR in Minsk to tape "Breshnev Hills 90210."
12)
American's hairdryer keeps shorting out the Russian life-support
systems.
11) Replacing hydraulic fluid with Borscht seemed
cost effective at the time.
10) Sending up Duplo blocks to
make repairs on a Lego structure.
09) The American brought
"ALIEN" video along, and now Dimitri is having trouble sleeping.
08) Shouldn't have let Yeltsin drive the docking craft.
07)
Boy, did the kaka hit the fan when those personal waste
containment system O-rings failed.
06) Flaming Stoli shots
behave a bit differently in a weightless, high-oxygen
environment.
05) "Dammit, Jimski! I'm a doctor, not a
cosmonaut!!"
04) No real need for doggie door.
03)
Should've accepted that ride home from Moose and Squirrel when
they had the chance.
02) "Heat-resistant outer layer"
installed by Earl Scheib for $99.
and the Number 1 Mistake
Made on the MIR Space Station...
01) Every third orbit,
Cosmonauts get 'faced and try to whiz on Germany.
After intensive investigation on both the Soviet and US parts,
spokespersons from both space agencies have determined the cause
for the accident which has placed the station and its resident
personnel in jeopardy. In terse statements at a recent press
conference, Soviet and US space agency spokespersons said
Thursday We have concluded joint investigations concerning this
potentially tragic accident and each nations' team, separately,
has arrived at identical conclusions for this incident. The
accident was caused by one thing and one thing only...
OBJECTS IN MIR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR
The Top 15 New Names for the MIR Space Station
15) The AMC
Spacer
14) Uncle Boris's Last Chance Galactic Truck Stop &
Fireworks Stand
13) I-Can't-Believe-It's-A-Space-Station
12) Skylab for Dummies
11) Emergency Vodka Storage Unit #6
10) Absolut NightMir
09) The New, Improved People's Deathtrap
2000 ("Now with leaks!")
08) Space Toast Coast-to-Coast
07) The S.S. Minnowski
06) The Black Cat, Walking Under a
Ladder, Broken Mirror, Spilled Salt, Friday the 13th Space
Module
05) Kaputnik
04) Cattlecar Galactica
03) Spacey
Spice
02) The Amazing Orbiting Barge O' Death
and the
Number 1 New Name for the Mir Space Station...
01) Acme
Space Station
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after
accumulating enough air points. They meet a Martian couple and
are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a
stock market, if they have laptop computers, and all things
about how they make money. Finally Maureen brought up the
subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
'Pretty much the way you do,' responds the Martian woman.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap
partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom, where the
Martian strips.
He's got a teeny, weeny member about 2 cm
long and 1 cm thick. `I don't think this is going to work,' says
Maureen. 'Why?' he asks, 'What's the matter?' 'Well.' she
replies. 'it's just not long enough to reach me!' 'No problem,'
he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With
each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long. 'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive,
but it's still pretty narrow.' 'No problem,' he says and starts
pulling his ears. With each pull his member grows wider and
wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the
woman. 'Wow!' she exclaims, and they fell into bed and make mad,
passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal
partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along,
Mike asks Maureen, 'Well, was it any good?' 'I hate to say it,'
says Maureen, 'but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?' 'It
was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. All she
kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling
my ears.'
Why did the boy become an astronaut ?
Because he was no
earthly good !
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