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Gosh, we sure hope we don't ALIEN-ate you with our corny space jokes
alien scene
HERE ARE SOME REALLY FAR OUT SPACE JOKES!
Two aliens, Zathar and Caad, landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached the gas pumps and Zathar said to it "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader. "
The gas pump, of course, did not respond.
Zathar repeated the greeting and there was still no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived as the gas pump's haughty attitude, Zathar drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling, we come in peace. Why do you dare ignore us this way? Take us to your leader now, or I will be forced to fire upon you."
Caad began to warn his comrade, "No, you must not anger him................", but ...before he could finish his warning Zathar fired upon the gas pump.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert where they landed in a heap.
When they finally regained consciousness (aliens have tough skin) Zathar turned to Caad and said "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you determine it to be so dangerous?"
Caad answered, "If there is one thing I have learned in my travels throughout the galaxy, it is that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, don't mess with him."


On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they say has been covered up by the military. March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.
That clears up a lot of things.
INTELLIGENT LIFE It was a happy occasion at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime. As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Oppenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States. He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," said Dr. Oppenstein, grinning broadly, "after 12 years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars." He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown. He said, "But that's impossible ... we could never do it. Yes Mr. President," and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously. "I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars, he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
What do you call an overweight ET ?
An extra cholesterol !
Ten commandments for amateur astronomers 1. Thou shalt have no white light before thee, behind thee, or to the side of thee whilst sharing the night sky with thy fellow stargazers.
2. Thou shalt not love thy telescope more than thy spouse or thy children; as much as, maybe, but not more.
3. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's telescope, unless it exceeds in aperture or electronics twice that of thy wildest dreams.
4. Thou shalt not read "Astronomy" or "Sky & Telescope" on company time, for thine employer makes it possible to continue thine astronomical hobby.
5. Thou shalt have at least two telescopes so as to keep thy spouse interested when the same accompanies thee under the night sky or on eclipse expeditions to strange lands where exotic wild animals doth roam freely.
6. Thou shalt not allow either thy sons or thy daughters to get married during the Holy Days of Starfest.
7. Thou shalt not reveal to thy spouse the true cost of thy telescope collection; only the individual components, and that shall be done with great infrequency.
8. Thou shalt not buy thy spouse any lenses, filters, dew shields, maps, charts, or any other necessities for Christmas, anniversaries, or birthdays unless thy spouse needs them for their own telescope.
9. Thou shalt not deceive thy spouse into thinking that ye are taking them for a romantic Saturday night drive when indeed thou art heading for a dark sky site.
10. Thou shalt not store thy telescope in thy living room, dining room, or bedroom, lest thou be sleeping with it full time. 
Two astronauts went to a bar on the moon, but they left after a few minutes ? You see, it had no atmosphere !
An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when he's captured by cannibals. The eclipse is due the next day around noon. To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a god and threaten to extinguish the sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right. So, in the few words of the cannibals' primative tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him.
The guard's answer is, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal".
"Great", the astronomer replies.
The guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so excited about it, in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."
First Spaceman: I'm hungry.
Second Spaceman: So am I, it must be launch time!
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other,
"Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"
Q: How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.
The Top 15 Mistakes Made on the MIR Space Station
16) Spacesuits made by Kathie Lee's plant in Siberia.
15) Freeze-dried lard sandwiches never as good as the real thing.
14) Souvenir shop takes up way too much room.
13) Forgot to set the VCR in Minsk to tape "Breshnev Hills 90210."
12) American's hairdryer keeps shorting out the Russian life-support systems.
11) Replacing hydraulic fluid with Borscht seemed cost effective at the time.
10) Sending up Duplo blocks to make repairs on a Lego structure.
09) The American brought "ALIEN" video along, and now Dimitri is having trouble sleeping.
08) Shouldn't have let Yeltsin drive the docking craft.
07) Boy, did the kaka hit the fan when those personal waste containment system O-rings failed.
06) Flaming Stoli shots behave a bit differently in a weightless, high-oxygen environment.
05) "Dammit, Jimski! I'm a doctor, not a cosmonaut!!"
04) No real need for doggie door.
03) Should've accepted that ride home from Moose and Squirrel when they had the chance.
02) "Heat-resistant outer layer" installed by Earl Scheib for $99.
and the Number 1 Mistake Made on the MIR Space Station...
01) Every third orbit, Cosmonauts get 'faced and try to whiz on Germany.
After intensive investigation on both the Soviet and US parts, spokespersons from both space agencies have determined the cause for the accident which has placed the station and its resident personnel in jeopardy. In terse statements at a recent press conference, Soviet and US space agency spokespersons said Thursday We have concluded joint investigations concerning this potentially tragic accident and each nations' team, separately, has arrived at identical conclusions for this incident. The accident was caused by one thing and one thing only...
OBJECTS IN MIR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR
The Top 15 New Names for the MIR Space Station
15) The AMC Spacer
14) Uncle Boris's Last Chance Galactic Truck Stop & Fireworks Stand
13) I-Can't-Believe-It's-A-Space-Station
12) Skylab for Dummies
11) Emergency Vodka Storage Unit #6
10) Absolut NightMir
09) The New, Improved People's Deathtrap 2000 ("Now with leaks!")
08) Space Toast Coast-to-Coast
07) The S.S. Minnowski
06) The Black Cat, Walking Under a Ladder, Broken Mirror, Spilled Salt, Friday the 13th Space Module
05) Kaputnik
04) Cattlecar Galactica
03) Spacey Spice
02) The Amazing Orbiting Barge O' Death
and the Number 1 New Name for the Mir Space Station...
01) Acme Space Station
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough air points. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, and all things about how they make money. Finally Maureen brought up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen. 'Pretty much the way you do,' responds the Martian woman. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom, where the Martian strips.
He's got a teeny, weeny member about 2 cm long and 1 cm thick. `I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen. 'Why?' he asks, 'What's the matter?' 'Well.' she replies. 'it's just not long enough to reach me!' 'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. 'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow.' 'No problem,' he says and starts pulling his ears. With each pull his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. 'Wow!' she exclaims, and they fell into bed and make mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks Maureen, 'Well, was it any good?' 'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?' 'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
Why did the boy become an astronaut ?
Because he was no earthly good !
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