POLITICIANS NEVER LIE
A busload of politicians were driving
down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the
road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old
farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to
investigate. He then dug a hole and buried the politicians. A
few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus,
and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The
old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old
farmer, "Were they all dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well,
some of them said they weren't, but you know how them
Top 10 Reasons to Elect Fidel Castro President of the
U.S. 10. With any luck, the shock might make Rush go mute.
9. He had nothing whatsoever to do with the S&L Crisis, the
Iran-Contra Scandal or EuroDisney.
8. Forty-three percent of
Perot voters thinks he looks like Santa Claus.
7. After the
release of "Look Who's Talking Too," he offered political asylum
to John Travolta.
6. Drab green fatigues guarantee the vital
"Generation X" vote.
5. Secret polls say he does better in
New Hampshire than Pete Wilson.
4. To help defeat obscure
Item 12b. on the Contract for America: "Free pony rides for the
3. So Newt Gingrich won't be lying when he says there
are socialists in the White House.
2. Willing to arm-wrestle
Colin Powell: winner- take-all for the free world. And the
number one reason to help draft Fidel for president:
Cigars for everyone!
AT THE WATERGATE
A couple from out-of-town stays at the
Watergate Hotel in Washington. The wife is concerned with the
privacy there. To soothe her mind, the husband says he will
search the room for a bug. He looks behind the drapes, behind
the pictures, under the rug. Under the rug he finds a disc with
four screws. He gets his Swiss Army knife, unscrews the screws,
and throws them and the disc out the window. The next morning,
the hotel manager asks the couple how their stay was. The
husband immediately becomes suspicious and wants to know why
he's being questioned. The hotel manager replies, "Well, the
room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!"
I looked up the word "politics" in the
dictionary, and it's actually a combination of two words; "poli,"
which means many, and "tics," which means "blood-suckers."
Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled
simultaneous campaign rallies in the same park of a small New
England town. After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates
worked their way through the crowd -- shaking hands, kissing
babies and beaming mightily. Suddenly, the skies opened and it
began to rain. One of the candidates fled to take shelter in a
nearby restaurant along with half a dozen regulars. The other
candidate, however, continued to move through the crowd --
shaking hands, kissing babies, etc. "That man's persistence,"
observed one of the natives, "sure makes it easy to know who to
vote for." "Yep," another native agreed. "Sure can't see myself
casting a vote for a man who hasn't the good sense to come in
out of the rain."
THE CANDIDATES Ralph Nader, Al Gore and George W. Bush went to a
fitness spa for some fun (if you will believe Ralph Nader ever
has fun) and relaxation (if you believe Al Gore ever relaxes).
After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit
the men's room and found a strange-looking gent sitting at the
entrance who said, "Welcome to the gentlemen's room. Be sure to
check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into
it and say something truthful, you will be awarded a wish. Be
warned, if you say something false, you will be sucked into the
mirror to live in a void of nothingness for eternity!" All three
men, being presidential candidates, toy with danger and quickly
enter the men's room and find the mirror hanging on the wall.
Ralph Nader walked up to it and said, "I think I'm the most
truthful of us three" and in an instant he was surrounded by a
pile of money, which I suppose he invested in tech stocks.
Albert Gore stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most ambitious
of us three" and he suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus
in his hands, which he liked because it looked better than
Clinton's car. Excited over the possibility of having his wish
come true, George W. Bush looked into the mirror and said, "I
think --", and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
TOP TEN REASONS WHY WE NEED CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM:
State officials are "everywhere you want them to be" with Visa
and Mastercard, but they STILL won't take American Express! 9)
Cost of bribes increasing faster than the rate of inflation. 8)
Lincoln bedroom gets all the visitors even though Triple A (AAA)
gives it only 3 stars. 7) Justice department considering
"breaking up" political parties after it successfully tackles
Microsoft. 6) Parents insulted when a traveling Hillary asked
elementary school kids to donate their lunch money "for the good
of their country." 5) More sexy than budget reform, and less
likely to piss off formidable geezers in AARP than Medicare
reform. 4) Fewer annoying political ads on TV, 'nuff said. 3) It
would be fun watching Al Gore preside over a fundraising bake
sale. 2) We could get back to discussing more interesting
scandals with correspondingly eye-catching titles, like "SexGate,"
"NannyNannyGate," and, for technodweebs, "BillGates." 1)
Advertised special: "Buy one congressman, get another for half
Clinton, Bush, and Gore are on a long flight
in Air Force One. Gore pulls out a $100 bill and says,
"I'm going to throw this $100 bill out the window and
make someone down below happy." Bush, not wanting to be
outdone, says, "If that was my $100, I would split it
into two $50 bills and make two people down below
happy." Of course Clinton doesn't want to be outdone, so
he pipes in, "I would take 100 $1 bills and throw them
out the window to make 100 people just a little
happier." At this point the pilot, who has overheard all
this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and
says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this
plane and make 250 million people happy."
The Top 13 Reasons to Go to Work Naked Your boss is always
yelling "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"Can take
advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your
tan.Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human
Resources."I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my
pants."To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down
your blouse.You want to see if it's like the dream.So that --
with a little help from Muzak -- you can add "Exotic Dancer" to
your exaggerated resume.Splattering grease from deep fryer is
really hard to get out of your uniform.People stop stealing your
pens after they've seen where you keep them.Diverts attention
from the fact that you also came to work stoned.Because setting
the nation's monetary policy and keeping Andrea Mitchell
satisfied requires a delicate balance.Keeps that snooty Ruth
Bader-Ginsberg on her toes.
and the Number 1 Reason to Go
to Work Naked...
Because the President insists when Hillary's
out of town.
THE TAX MAN COMETH
The local bar was so sure that its
bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a
standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until
all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze out one more drop of juice would win
the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters,
longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny
little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to
try to win the bet." After the laughter had died down, the
bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he
handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But
the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched
his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As
the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the
little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack?
A weight-lifter?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
George Bush was out jogging along the
parkway one morning when he tripped, fell over the bridge
railing and landed in the Potomac. The current swept him into
the middle of the river before the Secret Service guys could get
to him. However, three kids who were fishing in a rowboat pulled
him out of the water. Bush was so grateful that he offered the
kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to
go to Disneyland."
"No problem," George replied, "I'll
take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid said, "I
want a new pair of Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get
them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and
Bush, a little perplexed, replied,
"That's fine, son. But why do you want a wheelchair? Doesn't
look like you need one."
The kid said, "I will, after my
dad finds out I saved your butt from drowning."
CLIENT: Can you tell me what your fees are?
LAWYER: Well, I charge 100 pounds to answer three questions.
CLIENT: That's rather steep, isn't it?
LAWYER: Yes, now
what's your final question?
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a
lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
A man was driving home one evening and
realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't
bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy
store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new
Barbie in the window?" The manager replied, "Which one? We have
'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the ball'
for $19.95, 'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to
the beach' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the nightclub' for
$19.95, and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00." "Why is the
Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad
asked, surprised. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's
house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth are standing on a balcony beaming
at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to
the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner
that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with
just a wave of my hand." The Pope says, "No way. You can't do
The Queen says, "Watch this".
So the Queen waves
her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy,
waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering,
basically going ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there
thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd
be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and
then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH
person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of
the week, with just one nod of my head."
The Queen replies,
"No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope head-butts her.
THE FAIRY GODMOTHER A man and his wife were celebrating their
50th anniversary, both at the age of 70. A fairy godmother came
to congratulate them both and to grant them each one wish. The
fairy godmother turned to the wife and asked, "What is your
wish?" The wife thought for a second and replied, "I would like
a world tour." The fairy godmother waved her wand, and the wife
was holding two world cruiseline tickets in her hand. Then the
fairy godmother turned to the husband and asked, "What would you
like?" The man thought for a second and replied, "I would like a
wife 30 years younger than me." The fairy godmother smiled,
waved her wand, and the man was 100 years old.