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Politics isn't always funny, But Brutally Honest Abe Is.
 
Political Jokes for all Americans!
POLITICIANS NEVER LIE
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."


 Top 10 Reasons to Elect Fidel Castro President of the U.S.  10. With any luck, the shock might make Rush go mute. 
9. He had nothing whatsoever to do with the S&L Crisis, the Iran-Contra Scandal or EuroDisney. 
8. Forty-three percent of Perot voters thinks he looks like Santa Claus. 
7. After the release of "Look Who's Talking Too," he offered political asylum to John Travolta. 
6. Drab green fatigues guarantee the vital "Generation X" vote. 
5. Secret polls say he does better in New Hampshire than Pete Wilson. 
4. To help defeat obscure Item 12b. on the Contract for America: "Free pony rides for the rich." 
3. So Newt Gingrich won't be lying when he says there are socialists in the White House. 
2. Willing to arm-wrestle Colin Powell: winner- take-all for the free world. And the number one reason to help draft Fidel for president: 
1. Cigars for everyone!
AT THE WATERGATE
A couple from out-of-town stays at the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The wife is concerned with the privacy there. To soothe her mind, the husband says he will search the room for a bug. He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Under the rug he finds a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss Army knife, unscrews the screws, and throws them and the disc out the window. The next morning, the hotel manager asks the couple how their stay was. The husband immediately becomes suspicious and wants to know why he's being questioned. The hotel manager replies, "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!"
Politician's Defined:
I looked up the word "politics" in the dictionary, and it's actually a combination of two words; "poli," which means many, and "tics," which means "blood-suckers."
Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous campaign rallies in the same park of a small New England town. After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the crowd -- shaking hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily. Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain. One of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with half a dozen regulars. The other candidate, however, continued to move through the crowd -- shaking hands, kissing babies, etc. "That man's persistence," observed one of the natives, "sure makes it easy to know who to vote for." "Yep," another native agreed. "Sure can't see myself casting a vote for a man who hasn't the good sense to come in out of the rain."
THE CANDIDATES Ralph Nader, Al Gore and George W. Bush went to a fitness spa for some fun (if you will believe Ralph Nader ever has fun) and relaxation (if you believe Al Gore ever relaxes). After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the men's room and found a strange-looking gent sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the gentlemen's room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded a wish. Be warned, if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for eternity!" All three men, being presidential candidates, toy with danger and quickly enter the men's room and find the mirror hanging on the wall. Ralph Nader walked up to it and said, "I think I'm the most truthful of us three" and in an instant he was surrounded by a pile of money, which I suppose he invested in tech stocks. Albert Gore stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most ambitious of us three" and he suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in his hands, which he liked because it looked better than Clinton's car. Excited over the possibility of having his wish come true, George W. Bush looked into the mirror and said, "I think --", and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
TOP TEN REASONS WHY WE NEED CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM: 
10) State officials are "everywhere you want them to be" with Visa and Mastercard, but they STILL won't take American Express! 9) Cost of bribes increasing faster than the rate of inflation. 8) Lincoln bedroom gets all the visitors even though Triple A (AAA) gives it only 3 stars. 7) Justice department considering "breaking up" political parties after it successfully tackles Microsoft. 6) Parents insulted when a traveling Hillary asked elementary school kids to donate their lunch money "for the good of their country." 5) More sexy than budget reform, and less likely to piss off formidable geezers in AARP than Medicare reform. 4) Fewer annoying political ads on TV, 'nuff said. 3) It would be fun watching Al Gore preside over a fundraising bake sale. 2) We could get back to discussing more interesting scandals with correspondingly eye-catching titles, like "SexGate," "NannyNannyGate," and, for technodweebs, "BillGates." 1) Advertised special: "Buy one congressman, get another for half price!"
EVERYONE'S HAPPY
Clinton, Bush, and Gore are on a long flight in Air Force One. Gore pulls out a $100 bill and says, "I'm going to throw this $100 bill out the window and make someone down below happy." Bush, not wanting to be outdone, says, "If that was my $100, I would split it into two $50 bills and make two people down below happy." Of course Clinton doesn't want to be outdone, so he pipes in, "I would take 100 $1 bills and throw them out the window to make 100 people just a little happier." At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."
peace

The Top 13 Reasons to Go to Work Naked Your boss is always yelling "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources."I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.You want to see if it's like the dream.So that -- with a little help from Muzak -- you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.Splattering grease from deep fryer is really hard to get out of your uniform.People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.Because setting the nation's monetary policy and keeping Andrea Mitchell satisfied requires a delicate balance.Keeps that snooty Ruth Bader-Ginsberg on her toes.

and the Number 1 Reason to Go to Work Naked...
Because the President insists when Hillary's out of town. 
THE TAX MAN COMETH
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze out one more drop of juice would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try to win the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack? A weight-lifter?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS." 
Presidential Aid
George Bush was out jogging along the parkway one morning when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the Potomac. The current swept him into the middle of the river before the Secret Service guys could get to him. However, three kids who were fishing in a rowboat pulled him out of the water. Bush was so grateful that he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

"No problem," George replied, "I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Air Jordan's."

George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset."

Bush, a little perplexed, replied, "That's fine, son. But why do you want a wheelchair? Doesn't look like you need one."

The kid said, "I will, after my dad finds out I saved your butt from drowning."
THREE QUESTIONS
CLIENT: Can you tell me what your fees are?
LAWYER: Well, I charge 100 pounds to answer three questions.
CLIENT: That's rather steep, isn't it?
LAWYER: Yes, now what's your final question?
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
DIVORCED BARBIE
A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?" The manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the ball' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the nightclub' for $19.95, and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."  "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?"  Dad asked, surprised.  "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth are standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand." The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this".
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."
The Queen replies, "No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope head-butts her.
THE FAIRY GODMOTHER A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary, both at the age of 70. A fairy godmother came to congratulate them both and to grant them each one wish. The fairy godmother turned to the wife and asked, "What is your wish?" The wife thought for a second and replied, "I would like a world tour." The fairy godmother waved her wand, and the wife was holding two world cruiseline tickets in her hand. Then the fairy godmother turned to the husband and asked, "What would you like?" The man thought for a second and replied, "I would like a wife 30 years younger than me." The fairy godmother smiled, waved her wand, and the man was 100 years old.
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