PIRATE'S INSURANCE
After many years at sea, a pirate decided
to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the
job and after a little
budgeting,
he thought that he should collect on his worker's compensation
insurance.
He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be and a
patch over his right eye. The agent assured him that he would be
compensated if the injuries were work related. "How did you get
the wooden leg?" asked the agent. In a booming voice the pirate
replied, "Me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom
swang 'round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off
me leg." The agent replied, "That is certainly work related. How
did you lose your hand?" "Well matey, me and me mates were on
the high seas when the boom swang 'round and knocked me into the
sea where a shark bit off me hand," said the pirate. "That's
also work related. Now how did you lose your eye?" asked the
agent. The pirate replied, "Well matey, I was laying on the deck
one balmy day catching some rays when this seagull flew by and
dropped his duty right in me eye!" "What does that have to do
with the loss of your eye?" said the agent. "It were the first
day with me hook!"
Question: What did Captain Hook die from?
Answer: Jock Itch.
Not-so-Jolly Roger
A soldier meets a pirate in a bar, and
the talk turns to their adventures. The soldier notes that the
pirate has a peg leg, a hook and an eye patch.
"How did
you end up with a peg leg?" he asks.
The pirate replies,
"I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were
pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" says the
soldier. "What about your hook?"
"Well," answers the
pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked
off my hand."
"Incredible. How’d you get the eye patch?"
"A grapefruit squirted in my eye," the pirate replies.
"You lost your eye to grapefruit juice?"
"Well," says
the pirate, "it was my first day with the new hook."
A large Humpback whale is lazily enjoying a beautiful day when
he sees a female Humpback whale just a little ways off, and he
thinks to himself that he's going to try to impress her...
He swims over to her, and breeches the surface, showing off
the large hump on his back.
She looked unimpressed as she
breached and showed a larger more well formed hump herself.
Now, a little embarrassed, he tries again to impress her by
taking a breath and blowing a huge cloud of mist and water with
a really nice rainbow in it.
Once again she looked
unimpressed and she blew a larger cloud of mist, with a more
beautiful rainbow.
Now clearly agitated, the Male sees a
Navel vessel in the distance and races off toward it. Just
before he collides with the ship, he dives, jumps out of the
water and as he sails over the bow of the ship, he plucks a
sailor off the deck and in one gulp swallows him whole!
He swam back to her very proud of himself, only to find the
female object of his attentions with a disgusted look on her
face...
As she swam off she said..."I'll Hump, I'll Blow,
BUT I WON'T SWALLOW SEAMEN!
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man
who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing
the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew
became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ''Bring me my Red
Shirt.'' The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red
shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men
into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on that day,
the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain
again called for his red shirt and once again, though the
fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That
evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's
triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, ''Sir, why do
you call for your red shirt before battle? The captain replied,
''If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my
blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.''
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of
such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next
morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates
ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the
captain and waited for his usual reply.
Captain Bravo
calmly shouted, ''Get me my brown pants.''
A
man went into the pet shop " I am playing Long John
Silver in the local amateur dramatic societies version
of Treasure Island and need a parrot to sit on my
shoulder" he said.
"I
don't have any parrots at the moment , but you wouldn't
want a real parrot for that. It would squawk in all the
wrong places , poop on your shoulder and generally be a
nuisance. What you need is a stuffed parrot . Just as
realistic and easily controlled."
"Are
you sure a stuffed parrot would be OK ? " asked the
customer " I do want this performance to be as realistic
as possible ."
" I
am sure a stuffed parrot would be fine " said the pet
shop owner " I have one at home . I'll bring it in and
if you come back on Thursday you can have it ".
"
Sorry " said the customer " I can't make it on Thursday
. That's the day I'm having my leg cut off ."
|
Are ya laughing yet,
landlubber? |
Five pirates and one woman wash up on a desert island after a
shipwreck.
Before long they are all getting pretty horny so
they all make a deal.
Each pirate will marry the woman for
one week at a time, at which point the next pirate in line will
marry her and so on.
All the pirates get sex every five weeks
and the woman gets sex as often as she wants with a different
pirate each week.
The situation works wonderfully for five
years. When the woman suddenly dies...
The first week after
wasn't too bad.
The second week was getting sort of bad.
The third week was getting pretty bad.
The fourth week was
really bad.
The fifth week was horrible!
By the sixth week
it was unbearable...
So they buried her.
A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a
dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through
the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp
vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came
forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could
only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving
any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the
entire ocean into rum!" The Genie clapped his hands with a
deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the
finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie
vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the
stillness as the two considered their circumstances. The parrot
looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled
moment spoke: "Now yee've done it!! Now we're goon to have to
pee in the boat."
How much does it cost for a pirate to pierce his ears?
A buck
an ear!!! Aaaarrrgh!
So there's this Pirate with a parrot. And this parrot swears
like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five
minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the
pirate who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this
bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be
too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him
really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird
mad and he swears more than ever. Then he gets mad and says, "OK
for you." and locks the bird in a cabinet. This really
aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy
finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of
invective that would make a veteran pirate blush. At that point,
he is so mad that he throws the it into the freezer. For the
first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and
claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first
the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird
may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so
worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly
climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry
about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my
vocabulary from now on. By the way, what did the chicken do?"
What's the pirate's wife's name?
Peggy.
You know ye are a pirate when...
...you prefer cheap rum
instead of expensive wine.
...you think that the proper
way to greet kings at events is: Arrh, ye peacock, give me yer
money or I´ll burn yer tent!
...you're planning to
purchase a large cannon with the explanation: "who knows, maybe
some day we go to Pennsic".
...you are not very
interested in SCA rapier fencing cause "they've banned fleche
and suicidefencing" and you dont really understand that crap
bout "chivalry" either.
...you get thrown out of meetings
cause you know too much about "slithering throats, ARRH!".
...the people at work starts to talk about you as the
guy who puts jolly rogers on everything.
...people stand
WAAY back when your household starts to pull out rapiers, sabres,
cutlasses and daggers.
...you get really angry when the
person next to you at the bancuette, who claims to be a pirate,
doesnt know anything about "loading guns with rusty nails" and
you challenge him to a cutlassduel, he turns up and then runs
away cause you brought your real cutlass. ...your topic for the
evening is smuggling, and your fellow sca-dians listens politely
until you mention "fast motor boats" and starts complaining
about how the price on silk has gone down.
Did you hear abouthat new pirate movie? .........it's rated
arrrrrrrrr
THE PARACHUTE A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when
he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open
his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens.
"No problem," he says to himself, "I still have my emergency
chute." So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and
once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic. "What
am I going to do?" he thinks, "I'm a goner ..." Just then he
sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure
out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he
thinks to himself, "Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm
done for." When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver
cups his hands and shouts down, "Hey, do you know anything about
parachutes?" The other man replies, "No! Do you know anything
about gas stoves?"
CHIVALRY The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious and
extremely heated. Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one
last try at a no-alimony divorce. "Your Honor," he said, "my
client sincerely believes his wife is just being ridiculous.
Why, most women would love to have a husband who still believes
in chivalry, and on the day in question, he was only opening the
door for her out of chivalry." "Counselor," replied the judge,
"I am granting the divorce and the settlement Mrs. Smith is
asking in its entirely. I simply cannot believe chivalry was the
motivation for your client opening that car door - while he was
driving down the freeway at 65 mph."
EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER One day, a sign appeared in an office
window. It read: "Help wanted. Must type 70 words a minute. Must
be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity
employer." A dog ambling down the street, saw the sign, walked
in, and applied for the job. The office manager said, "I can't
hire a dog for this job." The dog pointed to the line: "An equal
opportunity employer." So the manager said, "OK, take this
letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and
returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly
formatted. The manager said, "Here's a problem. Write a computer
program for it and run it." Fifteen minutes later, the dog came
back with the correct answer. The manager still wasn't
convinced. "I can't hire a dog for this position. You've got to
be bilingual." The dog looked up at the manager and said,
"Meow."
RIGHT FOR THE JOB Looking for just the right employees? Try this
simple personnel test. Take the job applicants and put them in a
room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two
hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back
and see what they are doing. If they have taken the table apart,
put them in engineering. If they are counting the cigarette
butts in the ashtray, assign them to finance. If they are waving
their arms and talking aloud, send them to consulting. If they
are talking to the chairs, personnel is a good spot for them. If
they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, computer
information systems is their niche. If the room has a sweaty
odor, perhaps they're destined for the help desk. If they
mention the good price for the table and chairs, put them in
purchasing. If they mention that hardwood furniture does not
come from rain forests, public relations would suit them well.
If they are sleeping, they are management material. If they are
writing up the experience, send them to the technical writing
team. If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign
them to security. If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it
looks, send them to marketing. |
