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Computer Jokes, Technology Jokes and Corporate Jokes.
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A mainframe computer on which everyone in the office depended suddenly went down. They tried everything but it still wouldn't work. Finally they decided to call in a high-powered computer consultant. He arrived, looked at the computer, took out a small hammer and tapped it on the side. Instantly the computer leapt into life. Two days later the office manager received a bill from the consultant for $1000. Immediately he called the consultant and said, "One thousand dollars for fixing that computer? You were only here five minutes! I want the bill itemized!" The next day the new bill arrived. It read, "Tapping computer with hammer: one dollar. Knowing where to tap: 999 dollars."

Ancient Virus Warning

Hey Hector,
This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please distribute
to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.

>> The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories
>tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be
>abandoned. DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware
 > that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of 
> heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your 
> town, and kill your women and children. If you have already received 
> such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened 
> and set fire to it by the beach.
> Poseidon
The computer science instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static Electricity to his class at Mills. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod..." That was pretty much the end of learning for that day.
THE ENGINEERS Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant." "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant. "We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager. "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired. "Simple," said the department manager. "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'" 
A man who had just been hired as the new CEO of a large corporation met with the outgoing CEO, who gave him three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you can't solve," he said. Six months later, sales took a downturn and the new CEO was really catching a lot of heat. Uncertain about how to proceed, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The paper inside simply said, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." He did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO headed straight for the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city lawfirm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
THE CELL PHONE A young man wanted to get his wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. He explains to her all the features on the phone. She is all excited; she loves her phone. The next day his wife goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hon," he says, "how do you like your new phone?" "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand. How did you know I was at the supermarket?"
Hopkeepers Competition

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign that read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop--it read...


HOLIDAY BUSINESS NEWS Continuing the current trend of large scale mergers and acquisitions, this holiday season Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1,300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having 12 days of Christmas and 8 days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high quality service during the 15 Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming more unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic, "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least 300 years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. Though that problem still hasn't been solved, a small breakthrough came last year when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this development except for Santa's dentist. A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."
TV Listing of Truth

"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again."

- TV listing for the "Wizard of Oz" in the Marin, CA newspaper.
PORTRAIT OF A LADY An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She said to the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby brooch, and Rolex watch." "But you aren't wearing any of those things," said the artist. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
THE PRESENT After spending three and a half hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks, and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection -- a baseball bat -- to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash," I snapped. Then, apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I just spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau." "Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"
THE HAIRCUT A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, "Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" TWA!" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That dump! That's the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it!" A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential Suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down, he spoke a few words to me." "What'd he say?" "He said, 'Where'd you get the terrible haircut?'"
A man walks into a butcher's shop and inquires of the butcher, "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher says "Yes", so the man says, "I bet you 50 bucks that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there." The butcher says, "I'm not betting on that." "But I thought you said you were a gambling man?" the man retorts. "Yes, I am," says the butcher "but the steaks are too high."
This executive was interviewing a nervous young woman for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The girl quickly responded, "The living one."
THE BIRD This guy is traveling down a highway when he comes across a construction zone. He also notices a state trooper in his rear view mirror, so he slows down to the 45 mph speed limit. Near the end of the construction area, he sees a large black object flying toward his vehicle. He feels a slight bump and sees in his mirror that a large bird -- possibly a crow -- has hit his car and bounced right into the windshield of the state trooper. The trooper immediately turns on his lights and pulls the guy over. The trooper asks him if he is hurt in any way. The driver replies that he is OK and questions the trooper about his condition. The trooper replies, "I'm OK, but I am going to have to give you a ticket." The driver gets really upset and wants to know why. The trooper answers, "For flipping me the bird!"
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