THE COMPUTER CONSULTANT
A mainframe computer on which
everyone in the office depended suddenly went down. They tried
everything but it still wouldn't work. Finally they decided to
call in a high-powered computer consultant. He arrived, looked
at the computer, took out a small hammer and tapped it on the
side. Instantly the computer leapt into life. Two days later the
office manager received a bill from the consultant for $1000.
Immediately he called the consultant and said, "One thousand
dollars for fixing that computer? You were only here five
minutes! I want the bill itemized!" The next day the new bill
arrived. It read, "Tapping computer with hammer: one dollar.
Knowing where to tap: 999 dollars."
Ancient Virus Warning
This was forwarded
to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please distribute
Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.
>WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
> IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN
THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN >HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is
EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE >and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!
>> The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two
>tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates
and appears to be
>abandoned. DO NOT let it through the
gates! It contains hardware
> that is incompatible with
Trojan programming, including a crowd of
> heavily armed
Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your
town, and kill your women and children. If you have already
> such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of
the city unopened
> and set fire to it by the beach.
>FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
The computer science instructor was demonstrating the wonders of
static Electricity to his class at Mills. While holding a
plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told
the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing
my rod..." That was pretty much the end of learning for that
THE ENGINEERS Two young engineers applied for a single position
at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In
order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were
asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion
of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The
manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for
your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other
applicant." "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine
questions correct," asked the rejected applicant. "We have based
our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you
missed," said the department manager. "And just how would one
incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected
applicant inquired. "Simple," said the department manager. "Your
fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You
put down, 'Neither do I.'"
A man who had just been hired as the new CEO
of a large corporation met with the outgoing CEO, who gave him
three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a
problem you can't solve," he said. Six months later, sales took
a downturn and the new CEO was really catching a lot of heat.
Uncertain about how to proceed, he remembered the envelopes. He
went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The paper
inside simply said, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called
a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of
the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and
Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the
problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was
again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious
product problems. Having learned from his previous experience,
the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read,
"Reorganize." He did, and the company quickly rebounded. After
several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again
fell on difficult times. The CEO headed straight for the third
envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city lawfirm are
walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an
antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of
smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so
I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!"
says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a
speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in
Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an
endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof!
"You're next," the Genie says to the partner.
The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after
THE CELL PHONE A young man wanted to get his wife something nice
for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a
cell phone. He explains to her all the features on the phone.
She is all excited; she loves her phone. The next day his wife
goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hon,"
he says, "how do you like your new phone?" "I just love it, it's
so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing
I don't understand. How did you know I was at the supermarket?"
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a
brand new business much like his own opened up next door and
erected a huge sign that read BEST DEALS.
horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and
announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an
idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop--it
HOLIDAY BUSINESS NEWS Continuing the current trend of large
scale mergers and acquisitions, this holiday season Christmas
and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal
had been in the works for about 1,300 years, ever since the rise
of the Muslim Empire. While details were not available at press
time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having 12 days of
Christmas and 8 days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for
both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be
able to enjoy consistently high quality service during the 15
Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive
layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking
being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the
agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will
be replaced by Latin, thus becoming more unintelligible to a
wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle
happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more
generic, "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed
that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast
merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for
at least 300 years was the question of whether Jewish children
could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten
meat for dinner. Though that problem still hasn't been solved, a
small breakthrough came last year when Oreos were finally
declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this
development except for Santa's dentist. A spokesman for
Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa
might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that
were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger
between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair
cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned,
he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.
He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a
rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."
TV Listing of Truth
"Transported to a surreal landscape,
a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up
with three complete strangers to kill again."
listing for the "Wizard of Oz" in the Marin, CA newspaper.
PORTRAIT OF A LADY An elderly woman decided to have her portrait
painted. She said to the artist, "Paint me with diamond
earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby brooch,
and Rolex watch." "But you aren't wearing any of those things,"
said the artist. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die
before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I
want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
THE PRESENT After spending three and a half hours enduring the
long lines, surly clerks, and insane regulations at the
department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick
up a gift for my son. I brought my selection -- a baseball bat
-- to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.
"Cash," I snapped. Then, apologizing for my rudeness, I
explained, "I just spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle
bureau." "Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly.
"Or are you going back there?"
THE HAIRCUT A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.
He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, "Why would
anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to
go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking TWA,"
was the reply. "We got a great rate!" TWA!" exclaimed the
barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their
flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where
are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown
International Marriott." "That dump! That's the worst hotel in
Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're
overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going
to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich,"
laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to
see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this
lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it!" A month later,
the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked
him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the
man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes,
but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The
food and wine were wonderful, and I had a stewardess who waited
on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They'd
just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the
finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they
apologized and gave us the Presidential Suite at no extra
charge!" "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to
see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured
the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and
explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and
if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the
Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later,
the Pope walked in. As I knelt down, he spoke a few words to
me." "What'd he say?" "He said, 'Where'd you get the terrible
A man walks into a butcher's shop and inquires
of the butcher, "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher says
"Yes", so the man says, "I bet you 50 bucks that you can't reach
up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there." The
butcher says, "I'm not betting on that." "But I thought you said
you were a gambling man?" the man retorts. "Yes, I am," says the
butcher "but the steaks are too high."
This executive was interviewing a nervous young
woman for a position in his company. He wanted to find out
something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have
a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The girl quickly responded, "The living one."
THE BIRD This guy is traveling down a highway when he comes
across a construction zone. He also notices a state trooper in
his rear view mirror, so he slows down to the 45 mph speed
limit. Near the end of the construction area, he sees a large
black object flying toward his vehicle. He feels a slight bump
and sees in his mirror that a large bird -- possibly a crow --
has hit his car and bounced right into the windshield of the
state trooper. The trooper immediately turns on his lights and
pulls the guy over. The trooper asks him if he is hurt in any
way. The driver replies that he is OK and questions the trooper
about his condition. The trooper replies, "I'm OK, but I am
going to have to give you a ticket." The driver gets really
upset and wants to know why. The trooper answers, "For flipping
me the bird!"