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Enough transportation jokes to drive everyone crazy!
doc on scooter
There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in the USA. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for this is purely geographical. All the oil is in Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, etc. All the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

THE ACCIDENT A farmer with a truck full of animals is on his way to the market for auctioning. He comes upon a hitchhiker and gives the guy a lift. On the way to town, the farmer starts nipping at some home brew, swerves off the road and crashes in a big ditch. The hitchhiker is thrown out of the truck, and suffers broken ribs, a broken arm, and a busted leg. The farm animals are also seriously messed up. The farmer, who survived with only a few cuts and bruises, gets out of the truck and inspects his animals. The chickens have broken legs and wings, and can barely move. "These chickens are useless now!" the farmer explodes. "Nobody will buy these chickens!" He grabs his shotgun from the truck and shoots the chickens. Next, he sees that the pigs are all busted up and bleeding. "These pigs are worthless, too!" He reloads his shotgun and shoots the pigs. The farmer looks at the sheep, which are in the same shape as the chickens and pigs. "Worthless sheep!" he screams. He reloads the shotgun and shoots the sheep. The injured hitchhiker witnesses all this carnage in horror. The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the hitchhiker. "Are you okay down there?" asks the farmer. Instantly the hitchhiker answers, "NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY WHOLE LIFE!"
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried. The police were dumbfounded and dispatched an officer to the scene. However, before the police arrived, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake!"
A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day. "What for?" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud, "You're fined an additional twenty dollars! You're in contempt of court!" Then noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented, "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
HE CAN'T DRIVE 55! A man driving a car is stopped by a police officer: "What's the problem, Officer?" Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone." Man: "No Sir, I was going 65." Wife: "Oh, Harry, you were going 80." Officer: "I'm also giving you a ticket for the broken tail light." Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about it!" Wife: "Oh, Harry, you've known about that for weeks." Officer: "You're also getting a citation for not wearing a seatbelt." Man: "I took it off when you were walking to the car!" Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear a seatbelt." The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT UP!" The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" Wife: "No, only when he's been drinking!!!"
THE TRAIN RIDE A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep, the man in the upper berth, and the woman in the lower berth. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I have a better idea. Just for tonight let's pretend that we are married." The man happily says, "OK. Brilliant!" The woman says "Good ... get your own blanket."
A guy comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," replies the guy. "Oh, yeah?" The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guy gets off the bike and the guard takes the bags and rips them apart. He empties them and finds nothing in them but sand. The guard has no choice but to let the guy go. Next week, same thing. This time, the guard detains the guy overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover, again, that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Again, the guard releases the guy. And so on, and so on, for weeks, until finally, the guard can't stand it anymore. He has to know. So the next time the guy shows up at the border, the guard says, "Look. I promise not to arrest you, but I have to know. What are you smuggling? " "Bicycles," the guy answers, as he rides away, smiling.
Free Parking
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking garage for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.
"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a multi-millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
There's a woman always wanted an expensive car -- a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the BMW dealer, and plops down several years of income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, dream-mobile. She drives off the lot and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up. She races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio. He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants. He demonstrates: "Classical," he says. CLICK! The car fills with the sounds of Beethoven. "Blues," she says, and CLICK! a B.B. King classic plays. She drives off amazed. "Country," she says, and CLICK! a Garth Brooks tune comes on. "Folk" and CLICK! Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down. "New Age" and CLICK! Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on. She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts her off. "JERK!" she screams. CLICK! "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."
THE FLOOD A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "Hmm .... How do you start a flood?" he asked.
MOTORCYCLE MEN There were two guys riding down the road on a motorcycle. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that had a broken zipper. He finally stopped the bike and said to the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest." He decided to put the coat on backwards to keep the air from hitting him. They continued driving down the road, came around a bend in the road, lost control and wrecked. Phil was driving the other way, saw the wreck, called the police and reported the accident. The police asked him, "Are they showing any sign of life?" "Well," Phil said, "The driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"
A man and his wife were driving their RV across Florida and were nearing a town called Kissimmee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it -- KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME? They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a restaurant to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress; "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand?" The woman looked at him and said; "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."
Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.  "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his ol' man.  "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me for sixteen years."
1) He keeps handcuffing himself by accident.
2) He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.
3) He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
4) He talks to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop."
5) He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
6) He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
7) He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
8) The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.
9) Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
10) He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
 "You know, Dad," 16-year-old Jimmy started. "I'm 16 now and I think it's time that we talk about getting a car for me to drive." "Well, I'll make a deal with you, Jimmy," his Dad replied. "We'll talk about this car idea when you bring home a good report card and you get your hair cut." A couple of months later, Jimmy brings home his report card. "Here you go, Dad. All A's!" "That's great, Jimmy," his Dad replied. "But you still haven't gotten your hair cut." "Well, Dad, while making those great grades, I was in a religion class and noticed that Jesus had long hair, all of the Apostles had long hair. Moses, Joseph and even the kings of the land all had long hair." His Dad thought about this for a second and asked, "Did you notice what else they had in common?" "No, what?" Jimmy replied. "They were all WALKING!"
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