THE PRIEST AND THE BUS DRIVER
A priest and a bus driver both
go to Heaven at the same time. St. Peter shows the bus driver
his house, which is three houses away from God. During this
time, the priest is thinking to himself, "Since I'm a priest I
should be right next to God!" Then St. Peter turns towards the
priest and beckons him to follow. The priest follows for three
miles when they finally come to a house. St. Peter tells the
priest that this is his house. The priest looks horrified and
says to St. Peter, "I don't understand! The bus driver is really
close to God and I'm a priest! That doesn't make sense! St.
Peter replies, "Oh, that's easy to explain. When you preach,
people sleep. When the bus driver drives, people pray."
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished
to meet with the church's board following the close of the
service. The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a
total stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a
meeting of the board members," explained the minister. "I know,"
said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am,
I'd like to meet him."
Top Ten Ways You Know You're in a Bad Church
10. The
church bus has gun racks.
9. The church staff consists of
Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.
8. The
Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version."
7. There's an
ATM in the lobby.
6. Choir wears leather robes.
5.
Worship services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake."
4. No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.
3. Karaoke Worship Time.
2. Ushers ask, "Smoking or
non-smoking?"
1. The only song the organist knows is
"In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."
PROUD MOMMAS Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first
Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he
walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'" The second
Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks
into a room, people call him, 'Your Grace.'" The third Catholic
mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a
room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'" The fourth Catholic woman
sips her coffee and replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2",
hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh
my God!'"
BLESS THIS CAR
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a
synagogue across the street from each other.
Since their
schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a
car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on
the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi
looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new
car.
It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the
priest what he was doing.
"I'm blessing it," the priest
replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then went
back
inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a
hacksaw,
walked over to the back of the car and cut two
inches off the tailpipe.
THE CLOCKS
A man dies and goes to heaven. He is greeted by
St. Peter, who offers to give him a tour of heaven. As the man
walks around, he notices many clocks. Some go very fast, while
others move very slowly. When the tour is done, the man asks St.
Peter why some clocks move at varied speeds. St. Peter replies,
"Each clock represents a person. Every time you lie, your clock
speeds up. As you can see, people's clocks are separated by
career. Over here are teachers, and over there are doctors, for
example." The man nods. "Where the politicians' clocks?" he
asks. St. Peter replies, "We're using them in the back as air
conditioners."
THE TV
A pastor was preaching an impassioned sermon on the
evils of television. "It steals away precious time that could be
better spent on other things," he said. He advised the
congregation to do what he and his family had done. "We put our
TV away in the closet."
"That's right," his wife mumbled,
"and it gets awfully crowded in there."
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says,
"I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that
dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men
that were dominated by their
women. Also, I want all the
women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the
next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two
lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women
was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their
women, there was only one man.
God was angry and said, "You
men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image
and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of
my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!
Tell
them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this
line?" And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to
stand here."
A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single
sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one
word: "FOOL." The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many
people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names.
But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his
name and had forgotten to write a letter."
Biblical Family Values
After the fall in the Garden of
Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed
by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked,
"What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate
us out of house and home."
THEY'RE EVERYWHERE
On vacation with her family in Montana, a
mother drove her van past a church in a small town. She pointed
to it and told the children that it was St. Francis' Church. "It
must be a franchise," her eight-year-old son said. "We've got
one of those in our town, too."
Poor Preacher
After the church service, a little boy told
the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my
daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
CHOOSING HYMNS One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that
the church needed some extra money, and he asked the people to
consider donating a little more than usual into the offering
plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick
out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the
pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000
bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared
his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally
thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very
quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly
raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful
it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out
three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the
congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the
building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
A GOOD DEED A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be
admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through the big book to see
if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the
book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You
know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your
life, but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if
you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your
life, you're in." The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well,
there was the time when I was driving down the highway and I saw
a group of biker guys gathered around this poor girl. I slowed
down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there
were about 20 of 'em tormenting this girl." "Infuriated, I got
out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked
straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded
leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As
I walked up to the leader, the gang formed a circle around me.
So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him
over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and
yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl
alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home
before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'" St. Peter, impressed,
says, "Really? When did this happen?" "Oh, about two minutes
ago."
Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged and one young and
newlywed wanted to join a temple. The rabbi said, "We have
special requirements for new congregants. You must abstain from
having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back
at the end of two weeks. The rabbi went to the elderly couple
and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two
weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, rabbi."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the temple!" said the rabbi.
The
rabbi went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you
able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied,
"The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep
on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the temple!" said the rabbi.
The
rabbi then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were
you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No rabbi, we were
not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man
replied sadly. "What
Happened?" inquired the rabbi. "Well, we
made it though the first week. But then my wife was reaching for
a can of paint on the top shelf
and dropped it. When she bent
over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust
and took
advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course,
this means you will not be welcome in our
temple," stated the
rabbi. "We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home
Depot anymore either. |
