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Dude, next time you go to church, wear a shirt. Duh!
A priest and a bus driver both go to Heaven at the same time. St. Peter shows the bus driver his house, which is three houses away from God. During this time, the priest is thinking to himself, "Since I'm a priest I should be right next to God!" Then St. Peter turns towards the priest and beckons him to follow. The priest follows for three miles when they finally come to a house. St. Peter tells the priest that this is his house. The priest looks horrified and says to St. Peter, "I don't understand! The bus driver is really close to God and I'm a priest! That doesn't make sense! St. Peter replies, "Oh, that's easy to explain. When you preach, people sleep. When the bus driver drives, people pray."

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church's board following the close of the service. The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members," explained the minister. "I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."
Top Ten Ways You Know You're in a Bad Church

10. The church bus has gun racks.

9. The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.

8. The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version."

7. There's an ATM in the lobby.

6. Choir wears leather robes.

5. Worship services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake."

4. No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.

3. Karaoke Worship Time.

2. Ushers ask, "Smoking or non-smoking?"

1. The only song the organist knows is "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida." 
PROUD MOMMAS Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'" The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, 'Your Grace.'" The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'" The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee and replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God!'"
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. 
Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. 
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them. 
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. 
It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. 
"I'm blessing it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then went 
back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw,
walked over to the back of the car and cut two 
inches off the tailpipe.
A man dies and goes to heaven. He is greeted by St. Peter, who offers to give him a tour of heaven. As the man walks around, he notices many clocks. Some go very fast, while others move very slowly. When the tour is done, the man asks St. Peter why some clocks move at varied speeds. St. Peter replies, "Each clock represents a person. Every time you lie, your clock speeds up. As you can see, people's clocks are separated by career. Over here are teachers, and over there are doctors, for example." The man nods. "Where the politicians' clocks?" he asks. St. Peter replies, "We're using them in the back as air conditioners." 
A pastor was preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of television. "It steals away precious time that could be better spent on other things," he said. He advised the congregation to do what he and his family had done. "We put our TV away in the closet." 
"That's right," his wife mumbled, "and it gets awfully crowded in there."  
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their
women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their
women, there was only one man.
God was angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!
Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: "FOOL." The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."
Biblical Family Values

After the fall in the Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."
On vacation with her family in Montana, a mother drove her van past a church in a small town. She pointed to it and told the children that it was St. Francis' Church. "It must be a franchise," her eight-year-old son said. "We've got one of those in our town, too." 
Poor Preacher 
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
CHOOSING HYMNS One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money, and he asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
A GOOD DEED A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through the big book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in." The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was the time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a group of biker guys gathered around this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there were about 20 of 'em tormenting this girl." "Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the gang formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'" St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?" "Oh, about two minutes ago."
Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged and one young and newlywed wanted to join a temple. The rabbi said, "We have special requirements for new congregants. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." 
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The rabbi went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, rabbi." "Congratulations! Welcome to the temple!" said the rabbi.
The rabbi went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the temple!" said the rabbi.
The rabbi then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No rabbi, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What
Happened?" inquired the rabbi. "Well, we made it though the first week. But then my wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf
and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust
and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our
temple," stated the rabbi. "We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either.
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