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The only thing goofier than you might just be our jokes.
sagging boobs
This guy is at the airport waiting for his flight which leaves at 6:00 but he has forgotten his watch, so he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots this guy walking past carrying two suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he asks him for the time. The guy replies, "Sure, which country?" Our fella asks, "How many countries have you got?" to which the reply is, "All the countries in the world!" "Wow! That's a pretty cool watch you've got there." "That's nothing. This watch also has a GPS facility, fax, e-mail and can even receive NTSC television channels and display them on its miniature active color pixel LCD screen!" "Boy, that's incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one...You wouldn't consider selling it by any chance?" "Well, actually the novelty has worn off by now, so for $900, if you want it, it's yours!" Our watchless traveller can hardly whip out his check book fast enough, and hands over a check for $900. The seller takes off the watch and gives it to him. "Congratulations, here is your new hi-tech watch!" He then hands over the two suitcases as well, and says, "And here are the batteries!"

A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer go out hunting in the woods one day. Each of them brings along his hunting dog, and they spend most of the morning arguing about which of the dogs is the smartest. Early in the afternoon, they discover a clearing in the forest. In the middle of the clearing is a large pile of animal bones. Seeing the bones, the doctor turns to the others and says, "I'm going to prove to you two that my dog is the smartest. Watch this!" He then calls his dog over and says, "Bones! See the bones? Go get 'em!" The dog rushes over to the pile, rummages around for a bit, and then proceeds to build a replica of the human skeleton, perfect down to the last detail. The doctor grins smugly; after all, his dog has just built a human skeleton from animal bones. The engineer, however, is totally unimpressed. "That's nothing," he says. "Watch this." He calls his dog over, and points out the pile. "Bones! Get the bones!" The dog rushes over, tears down the skeleton, and in its place builds a perfect replica of the Eiffel Tower. It even has a little French flag waving at the top. The doctor is forced to agree that the engineer's dog is, in fact, smarter than his own. The lawyer, however, is still not impressed. "My dog is smarter," he says. "Watch." He then calls his dog over, points to the pile, and says simply, "Bones." The dog rushes over to the pile, tears down the tower, eats half the bones, buries the other half, and takes the rest of the afternoon off.
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this...somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"

Pretty goofy Jokes, Huh? Keep scrolling down for more!

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the
husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
"It's the druggist! He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be darned if I didn't lock the house with
both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three
blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

"When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me
to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and
all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a
roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they
spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the
nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on
the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"
There was this magician of some repute who was hired to do his act aboard a cruise ship. He had been there for several years, and since the crowd was in continual change, he did the same act over and over. He enjoyed the good life in this sense, spending most his time out on the Promenade Deck working on his tan, not new tricks.

One day the Captain bought a parrot, and over the months brought the parrot with him to see the nightly magic show.

Being a smart parrot, the bird learned all the tricks as to where the cards, flower, etc. were hidden by the magician in his act. The bird would say, "The card is up his left sleeve, the flower is under the pot, he hid the money under his shoe..." Because the parrot would only take about a week to catch on to his magic tricks, the magician was forced to continually learn new ones, which was getting harder and harder by the day, and really cramping his "sun time." To put it mildly he hated the darn parrot, but since it was the Captain's he couldn't just weigh the bird down and drown it.

Late one night the engine room exploded and the ship sank within minutes. Miraculously, the magician found himself clinging to a timber, floating in the water surrounded by darkness. Alas, he was the only one left alive!

As the sun came up the next morning and he turned around what should be sitting 20 feet away on the opposite end of the log--his arch nemesis, the parrot!

They glared at each other and said nothing. This went on for three days and neither said a word, just glared.

On the fourth day the parrot finally broke the silence and said, "Okay! I give up. What did you do with the ship?"
Top 10 Ways Microsoft Would Change the Auto Business

10. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.

9. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.

8. The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run very slowly.

7. The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single 'General Car Fault' warning light.

6. Sun MotorSystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable and five times as fast, but would run on only 5% of the roads.

5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.

4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car98 or CarNT -- but then you would have to buy ten more seats and a new engine.

3. Occasionally, your car would die for no apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.

2. Every time the lines of the road were repainted, you would have to buy a new car.

1. People would get excited about the new features of the latest Microsoft cars, forgetting that these same features had been available from other car makers for years.
 The prominent middle-aged attorney was walking in the woods when he heard a booming voice from above say, "You are going to live to be 100." That must be God speaking, the attorney thought. Immediately he began doing good deeds, figuring out that he now had ample time to make amends in order to enter Heaven. But as he left the homeless shelter where he had just volunteered an hour of his services, he was hit by a bus and killed. Coming face to face with God, the attorney protested, "You promised me I was going to live to be 100. Instead, the very first day I did a good deed, I got hit by a bus and here I am. Why?" "I didn’t recognize you," replied God.
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."------------Dan Quayle
Male Jokes 
What is the thinnest book in the world? "What men know about women." How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner. What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature. What do men and beer have in common? They're both empty from the neck up. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Who knows? - did it ever happen?? What is a man's idea of doing housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum. What is the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
A Texan died and went to heaven where St.Peter met him at the Pearly Gates.
"Show me what you got, Pete," said Tex. St. Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers, and all the trimmings. "We've got that in Texas. We call it the King Ranch said Tex. St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimmming, riding horses,bicycling "We've got that, too. We call it Six Flags.
Wherupon St. Peter threw oven a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous. "We don't have that," said Tex, "but we've got a guy in Houston who can put it out."
What a Woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,you & I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor & if we don't do laundry right now, you'll have no clothes to wear."
What a Man hears:
blah, blah,blah,blah,C'mon
blah, blah,blah,blah,You & I
blah,blah,blah,blah,ON the floor
bhah,blah,blah,blah, Right Now
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES.
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's.
The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres". The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I got a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear to the church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" The housewife replies, "Four!" The accountant says, "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time." The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
An Italian, a Mexican, and an American were all standing on a bridge. They decided to through off something that their country has too much of. The Italian threw off pasta, the Mexican threw off rice, and the American threw off the Mexican.
Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?" "No," the second guy says. "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says. "Oh," says the second guy. A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?" "See what?" the second guy asks. "Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there." "Oh." A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?" By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!" And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"
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