A soldier, a sailor and an airman were sitting together having a
beer and they begin to discuss the greatest technological
inventions of the modern world. "It is the laser," said the
soldier, an man of obviously superior intellect. "The laser,
because with it, you can determine the precise range to an enemy
target, you can use it to gather important telemetry information
and you can even use it for photography that is almost
tri-dimensional." "No," interjected the sailor, also an
intelligent person, but obviously standing in the shadow of the
soldier's phenomenal mind. "It is radar. With radar you can
track incoming aircraft and missiles, you can determine the
speed of the particular vehicles that are approaching your ship
and, if you use it right, you can even heat your lunch." "I
disagree," said the airman, a man of, well he's an airman and
all airmen are borne out of a diminishing gene pool. "The
greatest invention is the thermos." "The thermos?!!?" exclaimed
the other two. "Yup, a thermos," he said. "I mean, jus' think
about it. If you want something hot you put hot stuff in it. If
you want cold, you put cold stuff in it." "Yeah, so?" quizzed
the other two. "Well," said the airman, "how does it know?"
Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a
European train. Two men and two women faced each other.
One
woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70-year-old lady who
was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her
sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old--who looked like
something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from
the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties
who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next
to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot
camp.
As these four strangers traveled, they talked and
chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted
tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total
silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss
broke the
silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard
throughout the cabin. In the ensuing period of silence the four
strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts. The older lady
was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive
day and age there are still young women who have a little
self-respect and dignity?"
The young woman, shaking her head
and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any
man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when
I'm sitting here?"
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face,
was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his
position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark. And the private,
grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed
up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand
and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with
it!"
A Navy man walks into a bar. Sitting himself down, he tells the
bartender, "Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts."
The bartender pours a drink and watches as the man quickly downs
it. Putting the glass on the bar, the sailor says, "Give me
another drink before the trouble starts." The bartender pours
another glass and the sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the
first, before asking for another, again adding, "before the
trouble starts." After several rounds of this the bartender
says, "Look sailor, you've been in here ten minutes and you keep
talking about trouble starting. Just when is this 'trouble'
going to start?" The sailor looks at the bartender and says,
"The trouble starts just as soon as you find out that I ain't
got any money."
The
Company Commander and the First Sergeant were in the
field. As they hit the sack for the night, the First
Sergeant said, "Sir, look up into the sky and tell me
what you see?"
The CO said, "I see millions
of stars."
1st Sgt.: "And what does that
tell you, sir?"
CO: "Astronomically, it tells
me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God
is great and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"
1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells
me that somebody stole our tent." |
 |
Don't Mess with a First Sergeant Two privates were always
getting into trouble. One day, while being marched up and down
the drill field by their first sergeant as punishment for yet
another infraction, the three came upon a lantern. One of the
privates pick up the lantern and rubs it. A Genie pops out. "I
will give you each one wish; that's three wishes total," says
the Genie.
The first private says, "I want to be back in my
warm dry barracks room, surrounded by beautiful women with all
the pizza and beer I can handle. *POOF* the first private
disappears.
The second private says, "Good idea!" I want to
be there also." Looking at the First Sergeant, the private adds,
"and surround our room with a large wall, so we can't be
bothered by sergeants!" *POOF* the second private disappears.
The First Sergeant says, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more
about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet
high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The First
Sergeant says, "Fill it up with water."
THE MEN AND THE FOOLS
After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne
Division, I eagerly asked my recruiter what I could expect from
jump training. "Well," he said, "it's three weeks long." "What
else?" I asked. "The first week they separate the men from the
boys," he said. "The second week, they separate the men from the
fools." "And the third week?" I asked. "The third week, the
fools jump."
A woman goes into the sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod
and reel for her husbands birthday. She doesn't know which one
to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a clerk standing there with dark shades on. She says,
"Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on
the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it
from how it feels and the sound that it makes." She didn't
believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "Thats
a 6 1/2 foot graphite rod with a Penn 320 reel and 20 lb.
testline...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $30.00".
She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the
sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm
looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the
register, and in the
meantime the woman farts. At first she
gets a little red in the face, but looks around and it appears
no one heard her and there is no way the clerk could tell she
did it with him being blind. He rings up the sale and says,
"That will be $35.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was
$30.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $30.00, the
duck
call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're
stupid, standup!" After a few seconds, one of her students stood
up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid?" "No, ma'am,
but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
If a policeman arrested a mime, does he have to tell him to
remain silent?
Employees Lingo
I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE
ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.
I'M HONEST,
HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
MY
PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me
about all the McJobs I've had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I
blame others for my mistakes.
I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of
unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'M EXTREMELY
PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.
I AM ADAPTABLE: I've
changed jobs a lot.
I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.
I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job,
I'm outta there.
Employer’s Lingo
COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by
paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM:
We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We
don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple
of the real daring guys wear earrings.
MUST BE DEADLINE
ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first
day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some
time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can
boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no
quality control.
CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be
childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON: If you're
old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for
resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A
WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three
people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're
walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM
LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a
manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION
SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what
they want and do it.
What to say to Telemarketers ......
1. If they want to loan
you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could
sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you
today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can
tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days
seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is
acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they
try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to
spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then
ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal
questions or questions about their company for as long as
necessary.
4. This works great if you are male: Telemarketer:
"Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for
a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you
wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my
God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a
few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the
hell she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be
sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo,
even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do
it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to
sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a
voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...would you be my
friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get
out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to
marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could
not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company,
they often can't sell to employees.
A little boy is leaving school at the end of the day. As he
strolls along the sidewalk, a car pulls up to the curb, and a
man winds down the window. "Hey, kid, I've got candy in my car.
Hop in and I'll give it to you," he says. "No. I'm not going
to." The boy walks on. Further down the road, the car pulls over
again. " Hey there kid, if you get in my car, I'll give you all
this candy, and a big bottle of cola. How about it?" "No way!
Now leave me alone!" The boy walks on, quickening his pace. The
car again pulls over beside him. "Look, kid, I've got a puppy at
home you'd love to see. Get in and I'll take you there. You can
have all the candy and the cola on the way. What do you say to
that?" The boy is getting agitated. He stops walking, and leans
down to the car window. "Look, I don't care what you promise me,
Dad. I'm NOT riding in your Yugo!"
IF MEN PLANNED WEDDINGS:
There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner
Kegger" until the cops showed up. Bridesmaids would wear
matching blue jean cutoffs and halter tops. They would have NO
tan lines and more skin showing than not. Tuxes would have team
logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team
colours. June weddings would be scheduled around basketball
play-offs. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but
omit that "forsaking all others" part. The couple would leave
the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with
racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better
yet, a Harley! Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless
they were really old) would get punched in the head. Outdoor
weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or
between innings. Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would
be long. Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared
to the cost of the bachelor party. The cost of strippers and
booze really does add up. Instead of a sit down dinner or a
buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza
and plenty of barbecue. No one would bother with that "Veil
Routine". But they would insist that the garter be as high up on
her leg as it could go.
A woman appealed to the Governor about getting her husband out
of the penitentiary. "What is he in for?" asked the Governor.
"For stealing a ham," she replied. "That doesn't sound too bad.
Is he a good worker?" "No, I wouldn't say that. He's pretty
lazy." "Oh... well, he's good to you and the children, isn't
he?" "No, he's not. Truth be told, he's pretty mean to us." "Why
would you want a man like that out of prison?" the governor
asked in disbelief. "Well, Governor, we've been out of ham for
quite a spell now." |
