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Three lawyers and three MBA's are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers buy tickets and watch as the three MBA's buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an MBA. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three MBA's cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyer saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the MBA's on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the MBA's don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an MBA. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three MBA's cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the MBA's leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
The New Visitor Remember how easy it is for misunderstandings to occur when you're newlyweds? Consider the young wife who greets her husband with a hug and a lingering kiss when he returns from work one day. "I have great news for you, darling. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of just two." The husband is delighted, radiant with happiness. "Oh darling," he says, "I'm the happiest man in the world." "I'm glad that you feel that way," his bride says, "because tomorrow morning my mother is moving in with us."

25 Oxymorons 
25. Childproof 24. "Now, then ..." 23. Synthetic natural gas 22. Christian Scientists 21. Passive aggression 20. Taped live 19. Clearly misunderstood 18. Peace force 17. Extinct Life 16. Temporary tax increase 15. Computer jock 14. Plastic glasses 13. Terribly pleased 12. Computer security 11. Political science 10. Tight slacks 9. Definite maybe 8. Pretty ugly 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake 6. Diet ice cream 5. Rap music 4. Working vacation 3. Exact estimate 2. Religious tolerance 1. Microsoft Works

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tyrone

10 of the 2000 Alternate Uses for Peanut Butter 
1. Feed large globs of it to your dog for cheap entertainment. 2. Mix it with egg whites and ammonia to see if it takes out stains. 3. Lace it with cyanide and feed it to Barney. 4. Spread it on the dog's back to watch him go crazy. 5. Squish it between your fingers in the lunchroom muttering "Only two more hours and I have so much left to study..." 6. Plug holes in your paneling walls. 7. Make sure you have some stuck in your fingernails whenever you go on a blind date. 8. Carry it around in your duffel in case of emergencies. 9. Use it to stick things if you run out of duct tape. 10. If you see a freshly poured sidewalk drying drop globs of Peanut Butter into the cement to create "holes" later.

The Life of Riley. 
A man sentenced to prison was put in a cell with an older convict who had been there for many years. One day, they were talking about their pasts, and the old man said, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." "What happened?" his new cellmate asked. "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing."
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man said, "I can explain." "Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back." "But officer, I just wanted to say..." "And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!" A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," said the man in the cell. "I'm the groom!"
LATIN SEIZURES Carpe Diem -- Seize the Day
Carpet Diem -- Seize the carpet
Carpayment Diem -- Seize the checkbook
Carpe Duh -- Seize an idiot
Carp Diem -- Fish of the day
Crampy Diem -- Seize the Midol
Carpe Diet -- Seize the rice cake
Carpal Diem -- Seize the knuckles
Carpe Dig'Em -- Seize the chips 'n dip
Carpe Carp -- Seize the fish
Carpe Diem -- complain daily
Carpe Per Diem -- seize the check
Carpe Canem -- seize the dog
Carpe Devo -- seize the record
Carpe Calypso -- seize the DAY-O
Sharpei Diem -- sieze the wrinkled dog
Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. "Jury trial," he replied. "Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge. "Sure," replied the defendant,"That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."
A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign. "Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man. She rolled down her window and said, "What makes you think these are all mine?"
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man: "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
THE PENGUINS There was this truck driver who had to deliver five hundred penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, the truck breaks down. After waiting by the side of the road for about three hours he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him. The next day the first truck driver arrives in town and sees the second truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him. The first truck driver jumps out of his truck and says, "What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!" The second truck driver replies, "I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we're going to see a movie."
A guy jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling he realizes his chute is broken, now he doesn't know anything about parachutes really, but as the earth rapidly approaches he realizes his options are limited, he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet another guy goes shooting Up past him. In desperation, our man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!?!?" The guy flying up looks down and yells, "NO, do you know anything about Coleman gas stoves?!?"
10 Ways You Can Tell When Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease: 
1) Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne. 2) She refuses to let you milk her, saying, "Not on a first date." 3) Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears. 4) She gets silicone implants for her udders. 5) She appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body. 6) Your cow demands to be branded with the Golden Arches. 7) Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred. 8) Your cow thought Frank Bruno would beat Mike Tyson. 9) You catch your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago. 10) Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
Buying Stamps
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What denomination?" asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones."
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