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You Can Try To Duck Our Animal Jokes But You Can't Hide!
duck in woods
One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?" The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

How To Give A Cat A Pill
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for ASPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
Too Fat Cats: When Do You Know?

- Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.
- Confused guests constantly mistaking him for a beanbag chair.
- Always lands on her spleen.
- Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.
- No longer cleans self unless coated in Cheese Whiz.
- Catfood dish replaced with a trough.
- Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pantsuit.
- It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
- Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.
- She only catches mice that get trapped in her gravitational pull.
- Has more chins than lives.
cat cartoon

How does a cat stop the VCR?   He presses the paws button!
Gravity for Dummies

Two idiots walk into a pet store. The first says, "I want four budgies."

The salesman replies, "Certainly sir, would you like two male and two female, or all male or all female?

The idiot shoots back, "I don't care. I just want four budgies!"

The salesman, without losing his cool, continues: "Very well sir, what color would you like them to be? We have yellow, blue, gr..."

The idiot interrupts, yelling, "I don't give a darn what color they are, just put four budgies in a box for me. Is that too hard?"

The salesman quickly grabs four birds from the budgie cages and shoves them into a pet carrier. The second idiot pulls out his wallet and pays for the birds, and then both idiots leave.

They drive out to a high cliff and the first idiot reaches in the box and pulls out two of the birds, grasps them firmly and jumps off the cliff while flapping his arms. He plummets like a rock and hits the bottom of the cliff with a loud SPLAT.

The second idiot looks down at his friend's mangled remains and says, "Dang, this budgie jumping isn't all it's cracked up to be."
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids to their homes when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties."They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "the dog's for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants!"
Dog Day Afternoon

A man follows a woman out of a movie theater one afternoon. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into that movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual?"
"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual. He hated the book!"
Sometimes, when I'm waiting in line at the grocery store for a price check on a box of Ramen noodles or for the cashier to get a new roll of nickels or for a management team to change the register tape, I can't help but wonder, "Why can't our incompetent, wasteful, inefficient government be run like this, like a business?" Can you imagine a business, say an airline, run by a big out-of-control government agency like the IRS or HUD or the DOD or the FBI? Planes would never be on time, flights would be oversold, customers would be treated like dirt and ticket prices would be almost unaffordable. Airports would be overcrowded models of inefficiency with long lines at the ticket counters. Half the time your luggage wouldn't go the same destination you were. When you hear tales of rolled back odometers, mechanics who charge $300 for fixing a two-cent part, banks that lose deposits, cell phone companies that seem to charge whatever they please, roofers who come three weeks after they say they will, movers who pack the family cat and cab drivers who can't speak English is it any surprise that people want to know, "Why can't the government run like that, like a business?" During the health care debate, when the big insurance companies asked, "Do you want your health care run by an incompetent, unfeeling, government bureaucrat who doesn't know what it's like to have a real job?" they knew our answer would be, "No, of course not. We want our health care run by an incompetent, unfeeling, private heath care provider's bureaucrat, the way it is now." The other difference between the two plans was that the government's plan was cheaper. And that, as any simpleton knows, is no way to run a business. When my friends and family get together, sooner or later the conversation always turns to how smart and clever our non-government, private sector bosses are. Just think how many times you've said to yourself, "How lucky this country would be if only my boss worked for the government. Then it'd be run like a business.
Dear Sir: My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $1,000.00 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all government policies. I would prefer not to raise Razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the futures of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422.00 in 1968, until this year, when he got your check for $1000.00 for not raising hogs. If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000. for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000.00 for the first year. Then I can afford an airplane. Now another thing, these hogs that I will not raise, will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you pay farmers not to raise corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising corn and wheat not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that also. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election. Patriotically yours: xxxxxxxxx P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese??
The Policeman and the Fire Chief Police officer Michael Fenwick was scheduled for all-night duty at the 8th District station. He was relieved of duty early, and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 a.m. Not wanting to wake his wife Camille, he undressed in the dark, creeped into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Camille sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store next block and get me some extra strength Tylenol? I've got a splitting headache." "Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he crawled back into his uniform and ran out of the house to the drug store. As he arrived,the pharmicist looked up in surprise. "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you officer Fenwick of the 8th District?" "Yes, I am," said Fenwick. "Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the fire chief's uniform?"
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But why, Mom? I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." "Give me two reasons why I should go to school." "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
THE BURGLAR Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot, "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the rottweiller Jesus."
THE REAL MOTHER-IN-LAW Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said the first woman. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall cut the young attorney in half. Each of your daughters shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first woman. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let her daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed second woman. "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
Joe: Why don't you play golf with Bob any more?

Mike: Would you play with someone who curses after each shot, cheats in
the bunkers and enters false scores on his card?

Joe: No!

Mike: Neither will Bob.
SIXTH SENSE Two cowboys came upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy. "Look," says the first one, "He's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "About two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, furniture in wagon ..." "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color, what's in the wagon -- just amazing!" The Indian looks up and says, "Ugh ... not amazing ... wagon ran ... over me ... 30 minutes ago!"
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