A man was walking home alone, late one night, when he hears a
Bump...........behind him walking faster
he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin
banging its way down the middle of the street towards him....
bump, bump, bump
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his
home, the coffin bouncing
faster, faster, faster, faster
Bump, bump, bump
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his
keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind
However, the coffin crashes through his door with the lid
of the coffin clapping
on the heels of the terrified man.
upstairs to the bathroom the man locks himself in. His heart is
pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the
door...........bumping and clapping towards him
screams and reaches for something, anything ......... but all he
can find is a bottle of
Desperate.............he throws the cough syrup at the coffin.
The coffin stops........................
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night
covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the ceiling of the
cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled
the blood and started hassling him about where he got it. He
told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep.
However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow
me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats
behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and
into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed and all the other bats
excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over
there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed
in a frenzy. "Good," shouted the bat, "because I didn't!"
THE VAMPIRE BAR It was Halloween and three vampires went into a
saloon and walked up to the bar. "What will you have?" the
bartender asked. "I'll have a glass of blood," the first
replied. "I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the
second. "I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third. "OK, let
me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two
bloods and a blood light?"
Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as "Rocky"
in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some
goodies, he returned for more. "Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who
left my doorstep several minutes ago?" I asked. "Yes," he
replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times
Classical Music When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a
churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking
through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from
the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran
and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent
close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music
coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the
town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to
the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's
Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened
a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's
backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept
listening, "There's the Seventh ... the Sixth ... the Fifth ..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the
magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had
gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing
to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Frankenstein was sitting in his cell when suddenly
through the wall came the ghost of his monster, with a
rope round his neck. Frankenstein said, "Monster,
monster, what are you doing here?" The monster said,
"Well, boss, they hanged me this morning so now I've
come to meet my maker."
Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention?
It's a new pill consisting of 50 per cent glue and 50
per cent aspirin.
Igor: But what's it for?
Dr Frankenstein: For monsters
with splitting headaches.
Q: What do you get if
you cross Dracula with Al Capone?
A: A fangster.
What does Mrs Dracula
say to Mr Dracula when he leaves for work in the evening?
Have a nice bite!
local United Way office realized that the organization had never
received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The
person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to
contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of
at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you
like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer
mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness,
and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." " -- or
that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a
wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an
apology, but was interrupted. " -- or that my sister's husband
died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in
indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The
humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I
had no idea ... " On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again:
" -- so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any
product of the month:
Armour Pork Brains with Milk Gravy
Where and when bought:
Ingles supermarket, Asheville, N.C., October 1995, for 73 cents.
Bonus points: That delicious milk gravy. Extra special bonus
points: Contains a mighty 1,170 percent of the U.S. recommended
daily allowance for cholesterol. Yes, that's no typo - 1,170
percent. Suggested alternative use: Switch label with a fruit
cocktail cans for a horrific lunchbox prank. Company defense:
"People love'em!" piped Nancy Dedera, spokeswoman for
Phoenix-based Dial Corp., owner of Armour. But, alas, we
couldn't discover the breadth of that love, because she refused
to release sales figures. A brain-eater herself (she likes hers
with hot sauce), Dedera brushed aside concerns about the
whopping cholesterol count, saying, "If you're going to eat
brains, you're not going to worry about cholesterol." Good
Cartoon Laws of
Physics: Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will
remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck
steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in
midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down.
At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second
takes over. Cartoon Law II Any body in motion will tend to
remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether
shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters
are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or
an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir
Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the
stooge's surcease. Cartoon Law III Any body passing through
solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its
perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this
phenomenon is the specialty of victims of directed-pressure
explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape
that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a
cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony
often catalyzes this reaction. Cartoon Law IV The time required
for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to
the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral
down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an
object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
inevitably unsuccessful. Cartoon Law V All principles of gravity
are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most
bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's
surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will
induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a
treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who
is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the
ground, especially when in flight.
The Top 10 Signs that You're at a Bad Zoo
1. When no one
else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are giving you the
2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys
cut from the football team during training camp.
stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.
Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk.
Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion
6.The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more
than the University of Florida's Mascot.
7. If you deposit
50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you.
8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly
dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den.
9. Not only does the Elephant appear to be two guys in a two
part Elephant suit but its always groping the customers.
Two words: Hippo Dogs!
America On-Hold Upgrade
AOH's new interface, codenamed
"Ebola," is currently in development. What kind of enhancements
can you expect from the new software? Here are a few hints of
the future: Multimedia Enhancements. Pictures AND sounds! A
revolution in communication. Images imbedded in e-mail. Making
it even easier for people to send you pornography you didn't ask
for. Different fonts in e-mail. Um... whatever good this does.
Different fonts and colors in chat rooms. Just when you thought
they couldn't get any uglier. Images in chat rooms. Slowing
scrolling down even more. Images in instant messages. This
should prompt a mysterious jump in the number of net users who
look like Jennifer Aniston or Gillian Anderson. Toolbar
enhancements. Every Microsoft application has
"forward/backward/stop/reload" buttons, so why can't we? Switch
screen names online. Now, you can be harassed by many different
people who are all really the same person. Secure password
transmissions. You mean we never told you before that our
password transmissions weren't secure? We'll eventually send you
the new software upgrade on a CD-ROM, but we can never be sure
when it will be ready for shipping. If you don't want to wait
for the mailing, you will be able to download the 38-meg file
from our ultra-slow web server. Either way, by the time you get
it, we'll have already updated it again.