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A man was walking home alone, late one night, when he hears a
Bump
Bump
Bump
Bump...........behind him walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin
banging its way down the middle of the street towards him....
bump, bump, bump
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing
faster, faster, faster, faster 
Bump, bump, bump
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him
However, the coffin crashes through his door with the lid of the coffin clapping
clappity.....bump............clappity-bump...............clappity bump...........
on the heels of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing gasps 
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door...........bumping and clapping towards him
the man screams and reaches for something, anything ......... but all he can find is a bottle of 
cough syrup
Desperate.............he throws the cough syrup at the coffin.  
The coffin stops........................
THE BAT
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep. However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy. "Good," shouted the bat, "because I didn't!"
THE VAMPIRE BAR It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and walked up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked. "I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied. "I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second. "I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third. "OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"

THE SEQUEL
One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as "Rocky" in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more. "Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?" I asked. "Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight too."

 Classical Music When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh ... the Sixth ... the Fifth ..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Frankenstein was sitting in his cell when suddenly through the wall came the ghost of his monster, with a rope round his neck. Frankenstein said, "Monster, monster, what are you doing here?" The monster said, "Well, boss, they hanged me this morning so now I've come to meet my maker." 

Dr Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It's a new pill consisting of 50 per cent glue and 50 per cent aspirin.

Igor: But what's it for?

Dr Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
frankenstein cartoon

Q: What do you get if you cross Dracula with Al Capone?
A: A fangster.
What does Mrs Dracula say to Mr Dracula when he leaves for work in the evening?
Have a nice bite!
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." " -- or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted. " -- or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea ... " On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: " -- so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?" 
Disturbing product of the month: 
                                 Armour Pork Brains with Milk Gravy 
Where and when bought: Ingles supermarket, Asheville, N.C., October 1995, for 73 cents. Bonus points: That delicious milk gravy. Extra special bonus points: Contains a mighty 1,170 percent of the U.S. recommended daily allowance for cholesterol. Yes, that's no typo - 1,170 percent. Suggested alternative use: Switch label with a fruit cocktail cans for a horrific lunchbox prank. Company defense: "People love'em!" piped Nancy Dedera, spokeswoman for Phoenix-based Dial Corp., owner of Armour. But, alas, we couldn't discover the breadth of that love, because she refused to release sales figures. A brain-eater herself (she likes hers with hot sauce), Dedera brushed aside concerns about the whopping cholesterol count, saying, "If you're going to eat brains, you're not going to worry about cholesterol." Good point.
Cartoon Laws of Physics: Cartoon Law I 
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second takes over. Cartoon Law II Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease. Cartoon Law III Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction. Cartoon Law IV The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful. Cartoon Law V All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
The Top 10 Signs that You're at a Bad Zoo

1.  When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are giving you the finger.
2.  The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp.
3.  The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.
4.  The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk.
5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King.
6.The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot.
7.  If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you.
8.  Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den.
9.  Not only does the Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit but its always groping the customers.
10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!
America On-Hold Upgrade 
AOH's new interface, codenamed "Ebola," is currently in development. What kind of enhancements can you expect from the new software? Here are a few hints of the future: Multimedia Enhancements. Pictures AND sounds! A revolution in communication. Images imbedded in e-mail. Making it even easier for people to send you pornography you didn't ask for. Different fonts in e-mail. Um... whatever good this does. Different fonts and colors in chat rooms. Just when you thought they couldn't get any uglier. Images in chat rooms. Slowing scrolling down even more. Images in instant messages. This should prompt a mysterious jump in the number of net users who look like Jennifer Aniston or Gillian Anderson. Toolbar enhancements. Every Microsoft application has "forward/backward/stop/reload" buttons, so why can't we? Switch screen names online. Now, you can be harassed by many different people who are all really the same person. Secure password transmissions. You mean we never told you before that our password transmissions weren't secure? We'll eventually send you the new software upgrade on a CD-ROM, but we can never be sure when it will be ready for shipping. If you don't want to wait for the mailing, you will be able to download the 38-meg file from our ultra-slow web server. Either way, by the time you get it, we'll have already updated it again.
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