A Texan dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil
notices that the Texan is not suffering like the rest. He checks
the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80% humidity.
So he goes over to the Texan and asks why he's so happy. The
Texan says, "I like it here. The temperature is just like Texas
in June.
The Devil isn't happy with the Texan's answer and
decides to get him, so he goes over and turns up the temperature
to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90%. After turning everything
up he goes looking for the Texan. He find him standing around
unbuttoning his shirt, just as happy as can be. The Devil
quizzes the Texan again as to why he's so happy. The Texan says,
"This is even better. It's like Texas in July."
The Devil,
now upset, decides to really make the Texan really suffer. He
goes oer to the controls and turns the heat up to 120 deegrees
and the humidity to 100%. "Now lets see what the Texan is up
to," he says. So he goes looking for the Texan. He find him
taking his shirt off, even happier than before. The Devil can't
figure it out. He asks the Texan why he's happy now. The Texan
replies, "This is great, it's just like Texas in August".
The
Devil says, "That's it, I'll get this guy." He goes over and
turns the temperature down to a freezing 25 degrees. "Let's see
what the Texan has to say about this. "The Devil looks around
and finds the Texan jumping up and down for joy yelling, "THE
RANGERS HAVE FINALLY WON THE WORLD SERIES!".
Picture it: rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed and
the devil decides to pay a visit.
The doors burst open,
and a rolling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst.
People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all
except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly
farmer.
Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor
and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you
are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you
aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't
you run out scared like everyone else?"
The farmer
crosses one leg over the other and drawls, "Why, I'm surprised
you don't recognize me...I've been married to your sister for 36
years!"
Once upon a time there was a lawyer who lived her whole life
without ever
taking advantage of any of the people she worked
for. In fact, she made
sure that every job she did resulted
in a win-win situation. One day while
walking down the street
she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her
soul
arrived in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St.
Peter
himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter.
"Before you get settled in though it
seems we have a problem.
You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a
lawyer make
it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the lawyer.
"Well,
I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is
let
you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you
can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay
in Heaven."
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St.
Peter put the lawyer in an elevator and it went down-down-down
to Hell. The doors opened and the lawyer found herself
stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.
In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her
were all her friends--fellow lawyers that she had worked with
and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about
old times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at
night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent
steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a
really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling
jokes and dancing. The lawyer was having such a good time that
before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her
hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The
elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates
and found
St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend
a day in Heaven." So the lawyer spent the next 24 hours lounging
around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a
great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.
Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in Hell and
you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your
eternity." The lawyer paused for a second and then replied,
"Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been
really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the
lawyer went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the
elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate
wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were
dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it
in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the lawyer. "Yesterday I was
here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate
lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a
wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "That's because
yesterday you were a recruit, but today you're an associate."
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in? A: "Have
another beer."
Q: What do you say to the rock star in the three piece suit? A:
"Will the defendant please rise."
Q: What do you say to a glutton for punishment? A: "Read
another joke."
What do you get when you throw an accordion off the Empire State
Building? Applause.
I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if,
after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo. He said, "I'm
doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy."
Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if
they rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it
for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been
documented and the idea was hard to comprehend
they decided
to have a go. A week after the experiment had started
they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried,
they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.
One
of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a
monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it
to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in
for another go. The big day arrived, they set up all the
monitoring equipment and set out to a safe distance.
The
first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away
and the 3rd went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first
scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer.
BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!!
The third scientist (3 miles away)
was up to his ankles in elephant crap, the second (2 miles
away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to
his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1
mile away, they noticed that he was in fits of laughter. "What
the %$*& is so funny?" asked one of the scientist. "You should
have seen the monkey's face, trying to get the cork back
in!!!"
Cowboy Joe
was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about
his first visit to a big-city church. "When I got
there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,"
Joe began. "You mean the parking lot," interrupted
Charlie, a more worldly fellow. "I walked up the trail
to the door," Joe continued. "The sidewalk to the
door," Charlie corrected him. "Inside the door, I was
met by this dude," Joe went on. "That would be the
usher," Charlie explained. "Well, the usher led me down
the chute," Joe said. "You mean the aisle," Charlie
said. "Then, he led me to a stall and told me
to sit there," Joe continued. "Pew," Charlie
retorted. "Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that
pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."
WHY DON'T SHARKS ATTACK LAWYERS? PROFESSIONAL COURTEOUSY.
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MIDGET FORTUNE TELLER THAT ESCAPED FROM
JAIL? THE NEXT DAY THE HEADLINES READ "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE."
LOSING HIS MIND
The man looked a little worried when the
doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first
thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling
him. "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient.
"You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually
worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the
car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what
it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I
really need your help. What can I do?" The doctor mused for a
moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."
THE SHEPHERDS
Two shepherds were leaning on their crooks at
the end of a long hard day of shepherding. The first shepherd
asked the second, "So, how's it going?" The second one sighed
and shook his head, "Not good. I can't pay my bills, my health
isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving
me." The first one replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over
it."
THE MARINADE
One evening a man was very impressed with the
meat entree his wife had served. "What did you marinate this
in?" he asked. His wife immediately went into a long explanation
about how much she loves him and how life wouldn't be the same
without him, etc. Eventually, his puzzled expression made her
interrupt her answer with a question of her own, "What did you
ask me?" She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought
you asked me if I would marry you again!" As she left the room,
he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?" Without
hesitation, she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."
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