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At five this
morn, when Phoebus raised his head
From Thetis' lap,
I raised myself from bed,
And mounting steed, I
trotted to the waters
The rendesvous of fools,
buffoons, and praters,
Cuckolds, whores, citizens,
their wives and daughters.
My squeamish stomach I
with wine had bribed
To undertake the dose that was
prescribed;
But turning head, a sudden curséd view
That innocent provision overthrew,
And without
drinking, made me purge and spew.
From coach and six
a thing unweildy rolled,
Whose lumber, card more
decently would hold.
As wise as calf it looked, as
big as bully,
But handled, proves a mere Sir Nicholas
Cully;
A bawling fop, a natural Nokes, and yet
He
dares to censure as if he had wit.
To make him more
ridiculous, in spite
Nature contrived the fool should
be a knight.
Though he alone were dismal signet
enough,
His train contributed to set him off,
All
of his shape, all of the selfsame stuff.
No spleen or
malice need on them be thrown:
Nature has done the
business of lampoon,
And in their looks their
characters has shown.
Endeavoring this irksome
sight to balk,
And a more irksome noise, their silly
talk,
I silently slunk down t' th' Lower Walk,
But
often when one would Charybdis shun,
Down upon Scilla
'tis one's fate to run,
For here it was my curséd
luck to find
As great a fop, though of another kind,
A tall stiff fool that walked in Spanish guise:
The
buckram puppet never stirred its eyes,
But grave as
owl it looked, as woodcock wise.
He scorns the empty
talking of this mad age,
And speaks all proverbs,
sentences, and adage;
Can with as much solemnity buy
eggs
As a cabal can talk of their intrigues;
Master o' th' Ceremonies, yet can dispense
With the
formality of talking sense.
From hence unto the
upper walk I ran,
Where a new scene of foppery began.
A tribe of curates, priests, canonical elves,
Fit
company for none besides themselves,
Were got
together. Each his distemper told,
Scurvy, stone,
strangury; some were so bold
To charge the spleen to
be their misery,
And on that wise disease brought
infamy.
But none had modesty enough t' complain
Their want of learning, honesty, and brain,
The
general diseases of that train.
These call themselves
ambassadors of heaven,
And saucily pretend
commissions given;
But should an Indian king, whose
small command
Seldom extends beyond ten miles of
land,
Send forth such wretched tools in an ambassage,
He'd find but small effects of such a message.
Listening, I found the cob of all this rabble
Pert
Bays, with his importance comfortable.
He, being
raised to an archdeaconry
By trampling on religion,
liberty,
Was grown to great, and looked too fat and
jolly,
To be disturbed with care and melancholy,
Though Marvell has enough exposed his folly.
He drank
to carry off some old remains
His lazy dull distemper
left in 's veins.
Let him drink on, but 'tis not a
whole flood
Can give sufficient sweetness to his
blood
To make his nature of his manners good.
Next after these, a fulsome Irish crew
Of silly Macs
were offered to my view.
The things did talk, but th'
hearing what they said
I did myself the kindness to
evade.
Nature has placed these wretches beneath
scorn:
They can't be called so vile as they are born.
Amidst the crowd next I myself conveyed,
For now were
come, whitewash and paint being laid,
Mother and
daughter, mistress and the maid,
And squire with wig
and pantaloon displayed.
But ne'er could conventicle,
play, or fair
For a true medley, with this herd
compare.
Here lords, knights, squires, ladies and
countesses,
Chandlers, mum-bacon women, sempstresses
Were mixed together, nor did they agree
More in their
humors than their quality.
Here waiting for
gallant, young damsel stood,
Leaning on cane, and
muffled up in hood.
The would-be wit, whose business
was to woo,
With hat removed and solemn scrape of
shoe
Advanceth bowing, then genteelly shrugs,
And
ruffled foretop into order tugs,
And thus accosts
her: "Madam, methinks the weather
Is grown much more
serene since you came hither.
You influence the
heavens; but should the sun
Withdraw himself to see
his rays outdone
By your bright eyes, they would
supply the morn,
And make a day before the day be
born."
With mouth screwed up, conceited winking eyes,
And breasts thrust forward, "Lord, sir!" she replies.
"It is your goodness, and not my deserts,
Which makes
you show this learning, wit, and parts."
He, puzzled,
butes his nail, both to display
The sparkling ring,
and think what next to say,
And thus breaks forth
afresh: "Madam, egad!
Your luck at cards last night
was very bad:
At cribbage fifty-nine, and the next
show
To make the game, and yet to want those two.
God damn me, madam, I'm the son of a whore
If in my
life I saw the like before!"
To peddler's stall he
drags her, and her breast
With hearts and such-like
foolish toys he dressed;
And then, more smartly to
expound the riddle
Of all his prattle, gives her a
Scotch fiddle.
Tired with this dismal stuff, away
I ran
Where were two wives, with girl just fit for
man -
Short-breathed, with pallid lips and visage
wan.
Some curtsies past, and the old compliment
Of
being glad to see each other, spent,
With hand in
hand they lovingly did walk,
And one began thus to
renew the talk:
"I pray, good madam, if it may be
thought
No rudeness, what cause was it hither brought
Your ladyship?" She soon replying, smiled,
"We have a
good estate, but have no child,
And I'm informed
these wells will make a barren
Woman as fruitful as a
cony warren."
The first returned, "For this cause I
am come,
For I can have no quietness at home.
My
husband grumbles though we have got one,
This poor
young girl, and mutters for a son.
And this is
grieved with headache, pangs, and throes;
Is full
sixteen, and never yet had those."
She soon replied,
"Get her a husband, madam:
I married at that age, and
ne'er had 'em;
Was just like her. Steel waters let
alone:
A back of steel will bring 'em better down."
And ten to one but they themselves will try
The same
means to increase their family.
Poor foolish fribble,
who by subtlety
Of midwife, truest friend to lechery,
Persuaded art to be at pains and charge
To give thy
wife occasion to enlarge
Thy silly head! For here
walk Cuff and Kick,
With brawny back and legs and
potent prick,
Who more substantially will cure thy
wife,
And on her half-dead womb bestow new life.
From these the waters got the reputation
Of good
assistants unto generation.
Some warlike men were
now got into th' throng,
With hair tied back, singing
a bawdy song.
Not much afraid, I got a nearer view,
And 'twas my chance to know the dreadful crew.
They
were cadets, that seldom can appear:
Damned to the
stint of thirty pounds a year.
With hawk on fist, or
greyhound led in hand,
The dogs and footboys
sometimes they command.
But now, having trimmed a
cast-off spavined horse,
With three hard-pinched-for
guineas in their purse,
Two rusty pistols, scarf
about the arse,
Coat lined with red, they here
presume to swell:
This goes for captain, that for
colonel.
So the Bear Garden ape, on his steed
mounted,
No longer is a jackanapes accounted,
But
is, by virtue of his trumpery, then
Called by the
name of "the young gentleman."
Bless me! thought
I, what thing is man, that thus
In all his shapes, he
is ridiculous?
Ourselves with noise of reason we do
please
In vain: humanity's our worst disease.
Thrice happy beasts are, who, because they be
Of
reason void, and so of foppery.
Faith, I was so
ashamed that with remorse
I used the insolence to
mount my horse;
For he, doing only things fit for his
nature,
Did seem to me by much the wiser creature.
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