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1699
To their Excellencies the Lords Justices of Ireland,
The humble petition of Frances Harris,
Who must
starve and die a maid if it miscarries;
Humble
sheweth, that I went to warm myself in Lady Betty's
chamber, because I
was cold;
And I had in a purse
seven pounds, four shillings, and sixpence, (besides
farthings) in money and gold;
So because I had been
buying things for my lady last night,
I was resolved
to tell my money, to see if it was right.
Now, you
must know, because my trunk has a very bad lock,
Therefore all the money I have, which, God knows, is a
very small stock,
I keep in my pocket, tied about my
middle, next my smock.
So when I went to put up my
purse, as God would have it, my smock was unripped,
And instead of putting it into my pocket, down it
slipped;
Then the bell rung, and I went down to put
my lady to bed;
And, God knows, I thought my money
was as safe as my maidenhead.
So, when I came up
again, I found my pocket feel very light;
But when I
searched, and missed my purse, Lord! I thought I should
have sunk
outright.
"Lord! madam," says Mary,
"how d'ye do?" -"Indeed," says I, "never worse:
But
pray, Mary, can you tell what I have done with my
purse?"
"Lord help me!" says Mary, "I never stirred
out of this place!"
"Nay," said I, "I had it in Lady
Betty's chamber, that's a plain case."
So Mary got me
to bed, and covered me up warm:
However, she stole
away my garters, that I might do myself no harm.
So I
tumbled and tossed all night, as you may very well
think,
But hardly ever set my eyes together, or slept
a wink.
So I was a-dreamed, methought, that I went
and searched the folks round,
And in a corner of Mrs
Duke's box, tied in a rag, the money was found.
So
next morning we told Whittle, and he fell a swearing:
Then my dame Wadgar came, and she, you know, is thick of
hearing.
"Dame," says I, as loud as I could bawl, "do
you know what a loss I have had?"
"Nay," says she,
"my Lord Colway's folks are all very sad:
For my Lord
Dromedary comes a Tuesday without fail."
"Pugh!" said
I, "but that's not the business that I ail."
Says
Cary, says he, "I have been a servant this five and
twenty years come
spring,
And in all the places I
lived I never heard of such a thing."
"Yes," says the
steward, "I remember when I was at my Lord Shrewsbury's,
Such a thing as this happened, just about the time of
gooseberries."
So I went to the party suspected, and
I found her full of grief:
(Now, you must know, of
all things in the world I hate a thief:)
However, I
was resolved to bring the discourse slily about:
"Mrs
Duke," said I, "here's an ugly accident has happened
out:
'Tis not that I value the money three skips of a
louse:
But the thing I stand upon is the credit of
the house.
'Tis true, seven pounds, four shillings,
and sixpence makes a great hole in my
wages:
Besides, as they say, service is no inheritance in these
ages.
Now, Mrs Duke, you know, and everybody
understands,
That though 'tis hard to judge, yet
money can't go without hands."
"The devil take me!"
said she, (blessing herself,) "if ever I saw't!"
So
she roared like a bedlam, as though I had called her all
to naught.
So, you know, what could I say to her any
more?
I e'en left her, and came away as wise as I was
before.
Well; but then they would have had me gone to
the cunning man:
"No," said I, "'tis the same thing,
the CHAPLAIN will be here anon."
So the Chaplain came
in. Now the servants say he is my sweetheart,
Because
he's always in my chamber, and I always take his part.
So, as the devil would have it, before I was aware, out
I blundered,
"Parson," said I, "can you cast a
nativity, when a body's plundered?"
(Now you must
know, he hates to be called Parson, like the devil!)
"Truly," says he, "Mrs Nab, it might become you to be
more civil;
If your money be gone, as a learned
Divine says, d'ye see,
You are no text for my
handling; so take that from me:
I was never taken for
a Conjurer before, I'd have you to know."
"Lord!"
said I, "don't be angry, I am sure I never thought you
so;
You know I honour the cloth; I design to be a
Parson's wife;
I never took one in your coat for a
conjurer in all my life."
With that he twisted his
girdle at me like a rope, as who should say,
`Now you
may go hang yourself for me!' and so went away.
Well:
I thought I should have swooned. "Lord!" said I, "what
shall I do?
I have lost my money, and shall lose my
true love too!"
Then my lord called me: "Harry," said
my lord, "don't cry;
I'll give you something toward
thy loss: "And," says my lady, "so will I."
Oh! but,
said I, what if, after all, the Chaplain won't come to?
For that, he said (an't please your Excellencies), I
must petition you.
The premisses tenderly considered,
I desire your Excellencies' protection,
And that I
may have a share in next Sunday's collection;
And,
over and above, that I may have your Excellencies'
letter,
With an order for the Chaplain aforesaid, or,
instead of him, a better:
And then your poor
petitioner, both night and day,
Or the Chaplain (for
'tis his trade,) as in duty bound, shall ever pray.
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