Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Medieval code of honor for digging
Shovelry!!!
Why were the Medieval centuries known as the Dark Ages?
It
was the knight time
There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake.
There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the
kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings
decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and
the winner would take the island. The night before the
battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied
themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and
each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing
armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had
twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that
camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the
third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This
squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall
tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight
polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the
three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too
trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged,
and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone
squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from
the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high
pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other
two sides.
We argued all day about what to call a medieval soldier
But
it was getting late so we decided to call it a knight.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
Why did the cannibal have a medieval peasant and JK Rowling over
for dinner?
They wanted to eat serf and terf.
My girlfriend keeps turning down my invite to the medieval fare
because she's busy
with "activism" and "planning women's
marches".
The lady doth protest too much, methinks
A beggar comes up to a tavern where the owner is cooking a
roast of beef on a spit. The beggar has a piece of bread and
holds it out over the roast so that is catches the grease that
is rising off the roast into the air. The tavern owner says
nothing until the beggar has captured enough grease and starts
to walk off, eating the bread. "Stop there" says the tavern
owner "You owe me a penny for the grease you took from my
roast." "But it was just blowing away in the air. I owe you
nothing." replies the beggar. The two start fighting and a crowd
forms. Each appeals to the crowd to support their side. The
crowd thinks this is really funny and push the town fool forward
with cries of "Let him be the judge." The fool listens to each
side of the story and then, turning to the beggar, asks if he
has a penny. When the beggar says yes, the fool tells him to
throw the penny into a metal pot so that it rings loudly.
Confused as to what this means, The beggar nevertheless does as
he is told and makes the coin ring out. "There" exclaims the
fool "The debt has been paid. The beggar has eaten the smoke
from the roast and has paid for it with the sound of his money."
The crowd dispersed, marveling at the wisdom of the fool.
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to
polish while I went to
the bar...
She always said she
wanted a night in, shining armor.
Researchers discovered that King John in medieval England
created the first comic strip. It was called the "Mangacarta".
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More
often than not, they were called "peasants"
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start
by dragon it.
At Medieval Times....
We were all cheering for our knight and
my wife started to complain about getting a sore throat from all
the yelling. I said we'd all be a little ho(a)rse in the
morning. I got smacked.
I googled "missing medieval servant"...
And it came back:
"Page not found"
Why did the medieval bank teller get fired?
He gave them no
quarter
A pauper is sitting by a road in medieval England. All of a
sudden, Robin Hood comes out of the forest, throws a bag of gold
at the pauper's feet and says, "I am Robin Hood. I take from the
rich and give to the poor." The pauper tears up, embraces Robin
Hood and says, "I am finally rich." Robin Hood then stabs the
pauper with his sword, "I am Robin Hood. I take from the rich
and give to the poor."
Back in medieval times King Arthur had a knight that collected
taxes
His name was Sir Charge
We had a history exam on medieval defense methods
I got an A
for a fort
I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was too
uncommon...
... I told her that in medieval days, people were
named Lance a lot.
A cook during medieval times is ordered to prepare a feast for
the king. Knowing this was a feast for the king, the cook
prepared everything diligently and carefully. At the day of the
feast, the king and his guests arrive and begin to eat. They are
in love with the food from the lamb to the roast duck to even
the soups. The king recognized the cooks ability and made him a
top chef of the kingdom. Many apprentices flocked across the
world to be his student, but the cook never took any in. Until
he came upon one apprentice he was very fond of. This man did
everything precisely and worked hard and he finally decided to
take him in as his apprentice.
On the first day, the
apprentice first asked, "what makes your food so tasty and
amazing?" The cook merely replied, "A secret ingredient," and
said nothing more. After a month of serving many delicious
dishes with the cook, the apprentice claims, "It's been almost a
month now and you have never let me prepare the final part of
the dishes we make; what is the secret that makes ur food so
good?" The cook merely replies, "A secret ingredient," and he
never brings up the subject for a while. A year has now passed
and the apprentice asks again," we have served the kingdom with
food and yet you have never told me what the final preparation
is nor have you showed it to me; what is it?" The cook merely
replies, "A secret ingredient," and the young man gives up. Many
decades pass and the cook is now old and ready to die. The
apprentice, on his side the whole time, is on his deathbed with
the cook. Then with his frail hands, the cook manages to get out
a tiny box, open it, and whispers, "It's thyme my friend."
What is the rain's favorite medieval reenactment?
Storming a
castle.
Every vote counts
In medieval times, every count votes.
What do medieval postmen wear?
Chainmail
The crime rate in medieval times
A renowned knight, known for
the way he stands when he ejaculates, defended the kingdom so
well, crime fell to the lowest levels ever heard. Some say this
occurrence was random, others say it was the product of Sir Cum
Stance.
A medieval worker in England was fixing the fence on the top of
the castle He decided to take a break because he was hungry. Two
knights practicing combat nearby. One of them accidentally made
a mistake and got shoved into the unfixed fence. When the fence
broke, he forcefully fell down the long distance. When he got
down, in his dying breath, he screamed "THIS ISN'T EVEN
REPOSTED!"
A strange sight was seen in the Skies of Medieval Canterbury
It was a flying Chaucer!
Told my friend I went to the waxwork museum and they had a
waxwork of a medieval
knight wielding his weapons.
"Tussauds?"
"Nah, he was holding a mace."
It's medieval times
There are bets being put on on who can
shoot the apple from a man's head. First goes Robin Hood. He
shoots it right at the apple and says:"I'm Robin Hood." Then
there goes William Tell. He shoots the arrow at the apple and it
even destroys the apple and he says:"I'm William Tell." And then
comes the third guy. He aims and shoots the arrow right in the
guy's head and he says: "I'm...I'm sorry."
Me: Honey, we are having dinner tonight with a medieval ruler of
Germany.
Her: F*ck. Not Burger King again!!
There was this really talented female painter and one day she
painted this magnificent painting inspired by medieval times of
a ball. It was filled with lords and ladies dancing with each
other, a table filled with food for the feast, fools
entertaining, and men in armor standing guard. She was so proud
of this picture she called her friend over to show it to her.
The friend saw it and said, "Wow this is really great! But I
have just one question, why was this painted mostly in red?"
"Well I used my menstrual blood to paint most of it." The
painter replied. Her friend just stared at her in horror. She
continued to explain, "Its a period piece you see."
What do you call a medieval jouster recently released from
prison?
A Free lancer!
I read of a medieval knight who was always sure of himself.
Sir Tainly
In medieval times, there is a young boy who lives with his
mother and has never met his father. One day, he says to his
mother: "Mom, did my father have a genetic disorder that causes
him to have a lump on his back?"
Mother: "Why would you think
that?"
Son: I just have a hunch.
Last year for Christmas I got my little brother an abacus in the
shape of a medieval Stronghold. He hated it and was really
ungrateful. Our dad said "Hey! It's the fort that counts."
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for
keeps?
My buddy was into medieval things, so I asked if he had ever
been poked by a lance, He said "no but I was once lightly
caressed by a Stephen"
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking
communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it
serves her rite.
I'm in a Medieval-themed metal band
We're called "Bards of
Prey."
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
A medieval knight walks into a bar, holding a large blunt
weapon...
..."Why the long mace?", asks the barman.
How was medieval armor delivered?
by mail
For several days each month, some friends and I get together,
play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you
could call it my minstrel period.
When did medieval soldiers go to sleep?
Knight time.
Where do you go to become a medieval warrior?
Knight School
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They
are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
I was sword fighting this guy medieval style then all of a
sudden he starts to unscrew his pommel
And then it hit me...
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep
with lanterns next to them so they could see if something
happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At
your cervix, m'lady
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only
the Ruler could.
Why the medieval era was so dark?
'cause it was full of
knights
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American
art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
I'm glad we haven't invented the time machine yet Last thing I'd
want is my work getting outsourced to a medieval era person.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
What did they call the daredevil in Medieval times?
Medieval
Knievel
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if
feudal
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
I got into an argument with a friend about what the best
medieval weapon was. I said the Warhammer, he said the Mace. It
got so heated we are currently not speaking to each other...
Talk about blunt force drama.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last
weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
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