Open mouth, insert foot
Question: If you could live forever,
would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because
we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live
forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever."
-- Miss Alabama in
the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those
poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I
mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those
flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey
"Researchers
have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same
reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also
discovered other similarities between the two, but can't
remember what they are."
-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show,
August 22
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail
to comply with the law."
-- David Dinkins, Former New York
City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his
taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an
interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking
campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part
of my body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky
basketball forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has
one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-- Mayor
Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
"We're going to turn this team
around 360 degrees."
-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the
Dallas Mavericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing
through our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton
commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"China is a
big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
-- Former French
President Charles De Gaulle
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves
to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do
it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas
"I don't feel
we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There
were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the
Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
--
John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--
Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution
that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air
and water that are doing it."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President
Dan Quayle
"Without censorship, things can get terribly
confused in the public mind."
-- General William Westmoreland
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will
be cut right out from under your feet."
-- Former British
foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"The private enterprise system
indicates that some people have higher incomes than others."
-- Gerry Brown
"It's no exaggeration to say that the
undecideds could go one way or another."
-- George Bush,
Former US President
"I have opinions of my own -- strong
opinions --but I don't always agree with them."
-- George
Bush, Former US President
"Not only is he ambidextrous, but
he can throw with either hand."
-- Duffy Daugherty , football
coach and sports analyst
"We've got to pause and ask
ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-- Lee Iacocca
"Please provide the date of your death."
-- from an IRS
letter
"I was under medication when I made the decision to
burn the tapes."
-- Richard Nixon, Former US President
"I
was provided with additional input that was radically different
from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
--
Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony
"We are
sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell,
owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to
recover."
-- Parish Magazine
"Men, I want you just
thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only:
Super Bowl."
-- Bill Peterson, football coach
"Be sure and
put some of those neutrons on it."
-- Mike Smith, Baseball
pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant
"We are not without
accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally."
-- Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister
"The word
'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback
and sports analyst
"Fiction writing is great. You can make up
almost anything."
-- Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first
novel
"I've read about foreign policy and studied -- I know
the number of continents."
-- George Wallace, 1968
presidential campaign
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We
simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald
Wellman, ROTC Instructor
"The road of good intentions is
paved with Hell."
-- Spencer Ante
"A day without sunshine
is like, you know, night."
-- Anon
"Traditionally, most of
Australia's imports come from overseas."
-- Keppel Enderbery
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
--
Samuel Goldwyn
"The people in the Navy look on motherhood as
being compatible with being a woman."
-- Rear Admiral James
R. Hogg
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March
1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God
bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your
circumstances."
-- Department of Social Services, Greenville,
South Carolina
"We apologize for the error in last week's
paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective
in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a
detective in the police farce."
-- Correction Notice in the
Ely Standard, a British newspaper
"If somebody has a bad
heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they to to bed and
it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next
morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--
Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
"Antidotes are what you take to
prevent dotes."
-- Anon
A woman walks up to a coke machine in a casino, puts in a
few
coins, and out pops a coke. She puts some more coins in
the machine, another can of soda pops out. She keeps putting in
coins and cans of soda keep popping out. A guy walks up behind
her and says, "Can I please use the machine?" "Get away!" she
says " Can't you see I am winning?"
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he
could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away.
It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for
golfing. The sun was shining, no clouds in the sky, and the
temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to
what to do ... play golf or give the Sunday service. Shortly,
the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant, told
him he was sick and asked the assistant to take care of the
Sunday church service for him. He packed the car up and drove
three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him.
Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was
watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God
and said, ''Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what
he is doing.'' God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on
the first hole. He swung at the ball and hit a perfect drive,
straight as an arrow, four-hundred yards right to the green,
where it gently rolled into the cup (as they say in basketball,
''nothing but net''). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was
amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to
God and said, ''Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were
going to punish him.'' God smiled. ''I did. Think about it - who
can he tell?''
The Coffee Maker
A college senior was hired as an intern,
and his first task was to go out and fetch coffee for the office
staffers.
Eager to do well on his first day, he grabbed a
large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. He held up
the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take
the order.
The intern asked, "Is this big enough to hold
six cups of coffee?"
The coffee shop worker looked at the
thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah,
it looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the
intern sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular coffees, two
black, and two decaf."
What a Phone-y!
A young businessman had just started his
own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with
antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer
office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked
up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and added giant commitments.
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
Shot Down in a Blaze of Glory
A photographer for a
prominent national news magazine was assigned to get photos of a
humongous forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get
any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire
a plane. His editor made the arragements, and assured him the
plane would be started and waiting for him at the airport.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough,
a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his
equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot turned the
plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly
over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and
make three or four low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the
pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a
photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the
photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the
instructor?"
Triplin' In Dublin
A man walks into a bar in Dublin,
orders three pints of beer, and sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each.
When he finishes, he returns to
the bar and orders three more.
The bartender tells him, "You
know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if
you bought one at a time."
The man replies, "Well, you see,
I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia,
and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that
we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves
it there.
The man becomes a regular in the bar and always
drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in
turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the
other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes
back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I
don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your great loss."
The man looks confused for
a moment, then a light dawns in his eye, and he laughs.
"Oh,
no," he says, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"
Restricted Movements
Three old men, aged 80, 85 and 90
respectively, were talking about the best thing that could
happen to them at this point in their lives. The 80-year-old
said, "I'd like nothing better than to have a good pee. Now I
just stand there, not much happens, and I have to go over and
over again."
The 85-year-old said, "I'd like nothing
better than to have a good bowel movement. I take every kind of
laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."
The 90-year-old man said, "Gentlemen, gentlemen, I don't
know what you are complaining about. Every morning at 6 A.M. I
have a prolific, royal pee.
Every morning at 7 A.M. I
have a full, solid bowel movement clearing me out for the rest
of the day.
But if I could have just one other thing at
this point in my life, it would be to get out of bed before 9."
Milk: Does It Do a Body THAT Good?
Jane read that milk
baths would make her beautiful, so she left a note for her
milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk at her door.
When the
milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He
thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the
door to clarify the message.
Jane came to the door and the
milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
"I want 15 gallons.
I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath,"
Jane replied.
"Oh, OK. Pasteurized?" asked the milkman.
"No, just up to my chest," said Jane.
Hercules, Snow White and the Hunchback
One day, Hercules,
Snow White and the Quasimodo (Hunchback of Notre Dame) were in a
bar, drinking and talking.
Hercules, feeling as brave as
usual, spoke up first.
"I bet I am the strongest man in the
world," he said.
Snow White looked around and said, "Well, I
bet that I am the most beautiful person in the world."
Quasimodo looked around, hung his head and quietly said, "I
suppose that I am the ugliest man in the world."
An old man,
who'd been listening in on the conversation, had an idea to help
prove or disprove the claims.
"There is a psychic on top of
that hill out there," he said, pointing toward the door. "Why
don't you each go up there and ask her yourself?"
The three
friends agreed, and hiked to the top of the hill. Hercules went
in first and came out a few minutes later.
"I was right. I
am the strongest man in the world!" he exclaimed.
Snow White
went in next, and exited five minutes later.
"I was also
right. I am the most beautiful person in the world!" she said.
Finally, it was Quasimodo's turn. He went in and after a few
minutes, he came out scratching his head. He looked up at his
friends with a confused look.
"Who's Dennis Rodman?"
Catastrophic Cooking
A newly married husband came home
from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "What
could have happened? Who died?" he thinks to himself.
"Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks his sobbing bride.
"Sweetheart," she cries, "the most terrible thing happened!
I cooked my very first beef bourguignon for you, and I got it
out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back
from answering the phone," she sobbed again, "I found that the
cat had eaten it!"
"Don't worry, darling," said her
husband. "Don't cry. I'll get you a new cat in the morning..."
The Talking Clock
While showing off his new apartment to
friends one night, a drunk man led the way to his bedroom where
there was a huge clock on the wall with a big brass gong.
"What's that brass gong for?" asked one of the guests.
"Why,
that's the talking clock," the man replied.
"How does it
work?" asked a second friend.
"Watch," the man said, giving
it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone
on the other side of the wall screamed, "For God’s sake, you
jerk, it's 2 a.m. in the morning!"
The Bright Borrower
Every time the man next door headed
toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow
something.
"He won't get away with it this time," muttered
Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."
"Er, I wonder if you'd
be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.
"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but
the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."
"In
that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf
clubs. Mind if I borrow them?"
THE OLD GOLFERS
Two really old guys decided they would go out
and try to play a round of golf together. They get on the first
tee and the first old guy says to the second, "My eyesight isn't
what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for me?" The second
guy says, "Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit." So the first old
man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to his
buddy and says, "Did you see it?" "Sure!" says his buddy. "Where
did it go?" the first guy asks. The second old man thinks for a
minute and says, "I can't remember."
Florida's Finest
A group of Florida senior citizens were
sitting around talking about their ailments.
"My arms are
so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad, I can’t even see my
coffee," replied another.
"I can’t turn my head because
of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several
nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make
me dizzy," claimed another.
"I guess that’s the price we
pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence ...
"Well,
it’s not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can
all still drive."
GOODBYE, MOTHER I was walking through the supermarket to pick up
a few things when I noticed an old lady following me around.
Thinking nothing of it, I ignored her and continued on. Finally
I went to the checkout line, but she got in front of me. "Pardon
me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel
uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who
just died recently." "I'm very sorry," I said to her, "Is there
anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving,
can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'? It would make me feel so much
better." "Sure," I said. An odd request, but no harm would come
of it. As the old woman was leaving, I called out, "Goodbye,
Mother!" As I stepped up to the checkout counter, I saw that my
total was $127.50. "How can that be?" I asked, "I only purchased
a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her,"
said the clerk.
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