PICTURE OF HEALTH
A woman walked up to a shriveled little
man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing
how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long
happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said.
"I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and
never exercise!" "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are
you?' He thought for a moment and replied, "Thirty-six."
NEW DIET?
A woman came to her doctor in a panic. "Doctor!"
she said. "All day long my daughter lies in bed, eating yeast
and car wax. What will happen to her?" "Don't worry," said the
doctor. "Eventually she will rise and shine!"
After Surgery
A man who had just undergone a very complicated
operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a
terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal
one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of
a headache. Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be
suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor
about it.
The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a
thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway
through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."
BRAIN TRANSPLANT
A man went in for a brain transplant
operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon.
He could choose either the architect's brain which would cost
him $10,000 or the politician's which cost $100,000. "Does that
mean that the politician's brain is much better than the
architect's?" asked the man. "Not exactly," replied the surgeon,
"the politician's has never been used."
THE BUG
A man is sitting at home one night. Suddenly, there's
a loud knock at the door. The man opens the door to find a
six-foot beetle standing at the doorstep. "What in the world is
this?" he asks. The beetle responds by attacking the man
viciously, with a flurry of kicks and punches. Then the beetle
leaves. The man crawls into his house and calls an ambulance. At
the hospital, the emergency room intern asks him how it
happened. The guy tells him about the beetle. "Yes," the doctor
says, with an understanding nod. "There is a nasty bug going
around at the moment..."
| A man went
to see his doctor because he was suffering from a
miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but
they didn't help. On his next visit the doctor gave him
a shot, but that didn't do any good. On his third visit
the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath.
As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open
all the windows and stand in the draft. "But doc,"
protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get
pneumonia." "I know," said his physician. "I can cure
pneumonia." |
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Express Dentistry
Higlemire and his wife entered the
dentist's office. "I want a tooth pulled," he said. "We're in a
big hurry, so let's not fool around with gas or Novocain or any
of that stuff." "You're a very brave man," remarked the dentist.
"Which tooth is it?" "Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the
man to his wife.
THE OPERATION
Bill Clinton fell deathly ill while traveling
through Africa. Apparently he picked up a strange,
life-threatening disease in one of the villages. He was rushed
to Bethesda Naval Hospital for a complicated operation. He went
under the knife in the early morning and when he awoke, he saw
that the curtains were closed around him and it was dark. "Why
are the curtains closed?" the President asked the Secret Service
agent sitting beside his bed. "Is it night already?" "No, Sir,"
replied the agent. "There is a huge fire across the street and
we didn't want you waking up and looking out the window and
thinking the operation was unsuccessful."
A VICTIM OF A CAR CRASH GETS WHEELED INTO THE EMERGENCY
ROOM. HIS LEG APPEARS TO BE SOMEWHAT TWISTED AND BLOODY. THE
DOCTOR TELLS HIM HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO CUT HIS PANT LEG TO VIEW
THE INJURIES. THE ACCIDENT VICTIM TELLS HIM TO GO AHEAD. SO
THE DOCTOR CUTS THE PATIENT'S PANT LEG AND THE PATIENT
NOTICES THE DOCTOR, AS WELL AS THE SURROUNDING NURSES, GASPING
IN HORROR. SO THE PATIENT ASKS "HOW DOES IT LOOK DOC?" AND THE
DOCTOR REPLIES "NOT TOO GOOD, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CHANGED
YOUR UNDERWEAR?"
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A NURSE WHEN:
You know you are a nurse when
discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly
normal. You know you are a nurse when you compliment a complete
stranger on his veins. You know you are a nurse when you find
yourself betting on someone's alcohol level. You know you are a
nurse when you know that K-Y jelly is optional.
Son: Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts! Mother: Shut up and get away
from the dart board!
THE ARTIST
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had
been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I
have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news
is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it
would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it
would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful,"
the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your
doctor."
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her
gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been
seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me." "This
one's kind of strange..." "Let me be the judge of that," the
doctor replied. "Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the
bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet;
when I looked down, the water was full of pennies." "I see."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the
bowl." "Uh-huh." "That night," she went on, "there were dimes
and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me
what's wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my
wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her
shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."
"You're simply going through the change."
IN THE DESERT
A guy was walking through the Sahara desert,
desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the
distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image,
only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with a
bunch of neckties laid out on it. The guy asked, "Please, I'm
dying of thirst, can I have some water?" The old man replied, "I
don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one
that goes nicely with your shirt." The guy shouted, "I don't
want a tie, you idiot! I need water!" "OK, don't buy a tie. But
to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that
dune there, about five miles down, there is a nice restaurant my
brother runs. Go over that way, they'll give you all the water
you want." The guy thanked him and walked away towards the dune
and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the guy came
crawling back to where the old man was sitting behind his card
table. The old man said, "I told you, about five miles over that
dune. Couldn't you find it?" The guy rasped, "I found it. They
wouldn't let me in without a tie."
A young man, named Ronald, comes into the doctor's office and
says, "Doc, is it hereditary to lose your memory?" "No," the
doctor replies, "Why?" "Well," the man says, "both of my parents
are losing their memories. For example, one day my mother wanted
some Ice Cream, so she started to go out to get some. But my
father, whose name I'm not going to tell you, stopped her,
telling her that he would get it for her. 'Alright,' she said,
'I'll write it down'. 'No', he says, 'just tell me, I won't
forget'. 'Okay', she says, 'I want some vanilla ice cream in a
cone'. 'Okay', he says, "I'll be back in 30 minutes." The father
leaves, comes back half an hour later, and gives his wife, whose
name is Dorothy, a bag. "What!" she screams in horror, with a
big toothy snarl. "This is a cheeseburger, you idiot! I wanted a
hamburger!"
Doctor, I Have A Gas Problem
A little OLD lady goes to the
doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it
really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are
always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20
times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was
farting because they don't smell and are silent.
The doctor
says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next
week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says,
"I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my
farts...although still silent...stink terribly."
The doctor
says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's
work on your hearing.
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