THE OIL SHORTAGE
There are a lot of folks who can't
understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in the USA.
Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the
oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for
this is purely geographical. All the oil is in Oklahoma, Texas,
Louisiana, Wyoming, etc. All the dipsticks are in Washington,
D.C.
THE ACCIDENT A farmer with a truck full of animals is on his way
to the market for auctioning. He comes upon a hitchhiker and
gives the guy a lift. On the way to town, the farmer starts
nipping at some home brew, swerves off the road and crashes in a
big ditch. The hitchhiker is thrown out of the truck, and
suffers broken ribs, a broken arm, and a busted leg. The farm
animals are also seriously messed up. The farmer, who survived
with only a few cuts and bruises, gets out of the truck and
inspects his animals. The chickens have broken legs and wings,
and can barely move. "These chickens are useless now!" the
farmer explodes. "Nobody will buy these chickens!" He grabs his
shotgun from the truck and shoots the chickens. Next, he sees
that the pigs are all busted up and bleeding. "These pigs are
worthless, too!" He reloads his shotgun and shoots the pigs. The
farmer looks at the sheep, which are in the same shape as the
chickens and pigs. "Worthless sheep!" he screams. He reloads the
shotgun and shoots the sheep. The injured hitchhiker witnesses
all this carnage in horror. The farmer then moves over to the
side of the ditch and looks at the hitchhiker. "Are you okay
down there?" asks the farmer. Instantly the hitchhiker answers,
"NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY WHOLE LIFE!"
STOLEN CAR
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had
been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried. The
police were dumbfounded and dispatched an officer to the scene.
However, before the police arrived, the phone rang a second time
and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," said the
drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake!"
TWO MORE
A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work
to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly
restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be
heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood
before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for
the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next
day. "What for?" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally
irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud, "You're
fined an additional twenty dollars! You're in contempt of
court!" Then noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge
relented, "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The
young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough
for two more words."
HE CAN'T DRIVE 55! A man driving a car is stopped by a police
officer: "What's the problem, Officer?" Officer: "You were going
at least 75 in a 55 zone." Man: "No Sir, I was going 65." Wife:
"Oh, Harry, you were going 80." Officer: "I'm also giving you a
ticket for the broken tail light." Man: "Broken tail light? I
didn't know about it!" Wife: "Oh, Harry, you've known about that
for weeks." Officer: "You're also getting a citation for not
wearing a seatbelt." Man: "I took it off when you were walking
to the car!" Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear a seatbelt." The
man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT UP!" The Officer turns to
the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this
way all the time?" Wife: "No, only when he's been drinking!!!"
THE TRAIN RIDE A man and a woman who have never met before find
themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train. After the initial embarrassment and
uneasiness, they both go to sleep, the man in the upper berth,
and the woman in the lower berth. In the middle of the night the
man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother
you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could
possibly reach over and get me another blanket?" The woman leans
out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I have a better idea.
Just for tonight let's pretend that we are married." The man
happily says, "OK. Brilliant!" The woman says "Good ... get your
own blanket."
CUSTOMS CONTROL
A guy comes up to the Mexican border on his
bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard
stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," replies the
guy. "Oh, yeah?" The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get
off the bike." The guy gets off the bike and the guard takes the
bags and rips them apart. He empties them and finds nothing in
them but sand. The guard has no choice but to let the guy go.
Next week, same thing. This time, the guard detains the guy
overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover, again,
that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Again, the
guard releases the guy. And so on, and so on, for weeks, until
finally, the guard can't stand it anymore. He has to know. So
the next time the guy shows up at the border, the guard says,
"Look. I promise not to arrest you, but I have to know. What are
you smuggling? " "Bicycles," the guy answers, as he rides away,
smiling.
Free Parking
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove
his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to
ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken
aback, requested collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my
Rolls-Royce," the man said. The loan officer promptly had the
car driven into the bank's underground parking garage for safe
keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked
through the bank's doors, asked to settle up his loan and get
his car back.
"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40
in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check
and started to walk away.
"Wait sir," the loan officer said,
"while you were gone, I found out you are a multi-millionaire.
Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man
smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for
two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
There's a woman always wanted an expensive car -- a status
symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves,
goes to the BMW dealer, and plops down several years of income
for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced,
dream-mobile. She drives off the lot and searches for the radio.
The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles
with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but
finally gives up. She races back to the dealership and screams
at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio. He
assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into
the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she
wants. He demonstrates: "Classical," he says. CLICK! The car
fills with the sounds of Beethoven. "Blues," she says, and
CLICK! a B.B. King classic plays. She drives off amazed.
"Country," she says, and CLICK! a Garth Brooks tune comes on.
"Folk" and CLICK! Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol'
Dixie down. "New Age" and CLICK! Yanni at the Acropolis snaps
on. She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying
much attention to the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts
her off. "JERK!" she screams. CLICK! "Ladies and gentlemen, the
President of the United States."
THE FLOOD A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the
Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned
down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The
insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a
coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and
all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance
company also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat
confused. "Hmm .... How do you start a flood?" he asked.
MOTORCYCLE MEN There were two guys riding down the road on a
motorcycle. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that had a
broken zipper. He finally stopped the bike and said to the other
guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my
chest." He decided to put the coat on backwards to keep the air
from hitting him. They continued driving down the road, came
around a bend in the road, lost control and wrecked. Phil was
driving the other way, saw the wreck, called the police and
reported the accident. The police asked him, "Are they showing
any sign of life?" "Well," Phil said, "The driver was until I
turned his head around the right way!"
ON VACATION
A man and his wife were driving their RV across
Florida and were nearing a town called Kissimmee. They noted the
strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it --
KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME? They grew more perplexed as they
drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a
restaurant to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said
to the waitress; "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure
out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are
and say it very slowly so that I can understand?" The woman
looked at him and said; "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."
Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To
celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and
climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately
headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted
driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery
after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat
teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his ol' man.
"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back
of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me for
sixteen years."
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR PARTNER NEEDS A VACATION
1) He keeps
handcuffing himself by accident.
2) He is starting to develop
a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.
3) He
wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good
in a collar.
4) He talks to himself. Half of him is the "good
cop", and the other half is the "bad cop."
5) He wants you to
call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should
be executed right there on the spot.
6) He keeps asking you
if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
7) He is
exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
8) The
perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.
9) Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
10) He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police
channel.
LONG HAIR
"You know, Dad," 16-year-old Jimmy started. "I'm
16 now and I think it's time that we talk about getting a car
for me to drive." "Well, I'll make a deal with you, Jimmy," his
Dad replied. "We'll talk about this car idea when you bring home
a good report card and you get your hair cut." A couple of
months later, Jimmy brings home his report card. "Here you go,
Dad. All A's!" "That's great, Jimmy," his Dad replied. "But you
still haven't gotten your hair cut." "Well, Dad, while making
those great grades, I was in a religion class and noticed that
Jesus had long hair, all of the Apostles had long hair. Moses,
Joseph and even the kings of the land all had long hair." His
Dad thought about this for a second and asked, "Did you notice
what else they had in common?" "No, what?" Jimmy replied. "They
were all WALKING!" |
